Bleeding

There the plant lies bleeding

How I hope he does not die

You used to be so strong

I never knew

This day would come

So weak, it can't be true!

All I wanted was to help it grow

I tried to trim it

But it refused to know

That it was for its own good

But now I feel lost

I trimmed it,

But at what cost?

All I wanted was for

It to be independent

Oh how it just lies there

Blood is everywhere

Stop bleeding I beg you!

Don't tell me its too late

Shall I mend you or shall I let go?

Please stop begging for more

Wont you mend on your own?

I love you so much

Dont mistake my tone

It is love and its is touch

Can't you see how much I care?

But still

The blood is everywhere

Helpless, I stare

If it comes to this

I must save you again

Because twice is enough

Thrice, would be my end

Wake up! Mend yourself

I cannot take the pain

If you cannot mend

I must save you again...

Manipulate

Show me pain and I'll crumble

Show me shame and I'll stumble

Don't Manipulate

I will integrate

Home

Even the wind knows

There is no home

Here now, there another

Alive now, still the next

Wanderer

Transition

A small girl

Small tears

A big girl

Now she must learn

The world has expanded

The wind blows in all directions

Emotions of the Past

You say that you don't love me.
And you shun my wild ways with a sigh.
You confess to want another desperately.
Then why do you always still catch my eye?

JLA

Guyamas Sonora

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukU-E5Qp4Kg

In the hall I heard your faints falling,

your trial and my corrections made.

You have all the prayers of my loose heart.
You have all the prayers of .

No I was not there on the church stairs.
The wind in my hair, a flood through my tear

Sad Love

He walked into her house and changed his shirt. She looked at him and felt love so strong within her. As always she loved him, even more now. She walked up to him and put her hands on his tummy and looked up into his eyes. As he looked down at her he could see the love in her eyes.

She said, 'I can't believe you are going to be three months pregnant in December'.

She hoped he could feel the love overflowing from her for him and her child inside him.

He said, 'I won't be able to fit into my shirts anymore'

She said, 'You can wear Jay's'

They both laughed. She stepped back from him as the sadness started seeping into her.

'It is sad that you don't like me even a little' she said looking down.

'Come here' he said opening his arms for her.

She went to him and they held each other. It was sad love as they stood in each other's arms. She felt the love, and as the seconds ticked by the love changed into sorrow and then the sorrow turned into the bitter feeling of knowing that he would never love her.

They broke apart and looked away while mumbling their goodbyes. She turned just in time to see his back before he closed the door behind him.

My Past, Present, and Future

Who am I? I am a representative. I represent some others of a generation. I represent and yet I am different. My difference is still defined by my culture, society... my politics of location. I feel like talking about me, as a representative of a generation.
I always knew that I did not know much about anything. But I was prompted to look again at my past and my present. This makes me think about what I want in my future. What prompted me to look again was the talk I attended by Asra Nomani on her struggles with religion. She was brought up in a certain religion with its twists of an impact of the American culture. The life she lived created for her a path to take within her religion that saved it for her and also was lost in part. It made me think about what religion meant to me. It reminded me of a generation. A generation I represent. Are you a part of this generation I speak of?

The Past
In India I was brought up in a house with two parents from two different religions. I would call myself Jain since my dad was a Jain and the children are thus automatically labeled with the father's religion. My father and his family were no practitioners of their religion and so as a child nor was I. My mother was a practitioner of her religion, Vaishnav. But since she was married into my father's non-religious family she let a lot of her religion go. My entire schooling was in a Convent of Jesus and Mary school. My main input of religion was Christianity. I was born in Jamshedpur (east India), lived all my life in Pune (west India) and my native place is in Gujarat (another state in west India). I know three Indian languages, English, and very little German.
This is the background which merely helps me understand how I know nothing well enough. I know a little about a mixed up version of Christianity. I hardly know enough about Jainism. Almost nothing about Vaishnav. My background knowledge of Indian culture is greatly affected by a huge input of western culture. I do not know the ancient stories well, nor the characters. The Gita is just a name of a book to me. Of all the languages I speak, I know English the best. And yet spoken English is often my weakness. None of the other Indians will say that I speak Hindi, Gujarati or Marathi well. In fact I sound like a foreigner when I speak any Indian language.
I am not rooted anywhere fully. Neither religion nor culture. I am Indian. When I say that, I mean, I lived in India. I have lived in India and seen the beggars, the dirty streets, the excessive honking in urban cities. My view of religion consists of riots and violence. Religious fundamentalism, blind beliefs, and rituals. Swinging from a belief in god to atheism to vedanta. I would hold on to Philosophy instead. Religion is corrupted. Something I do not even want to deal with. Talk about religion and you've lost me.

The Present
I study in the US. The only international student in a department of philosophy. I am supposed to know about my culture, my country, my history, my religion. I know nothing. My knowledge of India is challenged. It is abrupt, unfinished, and distorted. All I have with me is old and half-baked analytic philosophy. My beliefs seem small compared to the unknown philosophies I encounter. I am challenged to look again at my beliefs. I know more about the US than I know about India. I am concerned with the health care reform. Obama, and the Daily Show. I know the names of more people in the US government than in the Indian government. I am bombarded with new information and ways of thought and action that I have encountered before only in a dream in my own head. I am confused, challenged, and thrilled in cyclical succession.

The Future
I acknowledge that I only know something about somethings. I am seeking knowledge now about the culture I lived in. I am concerned about the farmers in India. I am concerned about the extremes. I am ready to appreciate and criticize. I am ready to immerse myself in India and the world. I want to know where I came from so I can know where I want to go. I long to be a global citizen. I speak to all who can identify with me.

Am I your reflection in rippling waters?

5 Years

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6aB_BcnJNA

Two Worlds

A sad song
Reminds me
Of myself
A happy song
Reminds me
Of myself

I turn on the news
For a few minutes
I remember the others
For a few minutes
I turn off the news
I am lost again
Long live
My world of dreams

My longing to serve
My longing for love
My longing to love
To make a difference
To absorb the world
As I am absorbed
By it

I am a mix of
Me
Myself
My world of dreams
I am a mix of
Trees
Farmers
Her tears

Sometimes I forget
What is outside me
Sometimes I remember
The pain she bears

I am torn

Wake me up
When I am lost
I remain yours
As I am mine

I hope that we are all constantly torn between the two worlds even though they are not two, but just one. But the struggle continues to move with and beyond my own world of dreams.

The Day Naa Turned into an Analytic Philosopher

Naa was a regular guy. He did what regular guys did. Ate, slept, drank, and walked. Walk he did, up and down the town. As he walked he would think. Think thoughts and about thoughts. This is the story about the longest walk he ever took.
The sun was shining as Naa was walking. He looked around and saw the shops. One beside the other they all stood. All independent and different. He entered Dick's sporting goods, and he felt like he was in world of sports stuff. He entered the lingerie section of Macy's and all he could see for miles was stuff you wore under your clothes. His mind was jumping around. He looked at himself in his panties in the mirror and thought hmm... let me analyze this.
He walked on reflecting on his time in the shops. 'What does 'hard' mean' he thought to himself. Things get hard. Hard is hard. Hard is not soft. These sentences made him worried. 'Hard' he realized was not an easy word to define.
He walked on and realised he was inside a bubble. He thought that it was unusual, but he loved it anyway. He touched the sides of the bubble around him and they felt spongy to him. Instantly it came to him, this bubble was built in such a way that very soon he would know what hard meant!
As he walked he paused near a wall which was covered with numbers. He looked long and hard at these numbers. He realised in this case him looking 'hard' was different from him sitting on a 'hard' chair. He could see in his head now. Some one around him yelled the word, "HARD". Instantly he saw it. Then he knew. The numbers were overpowering him. He was unable to comprehend their meaning. But Naa was smart. He could see that nothing ever in the world, ever, ever, ever could deny 2 + 2 = 4. In fact when he looked around to see if this thought was true, he immediately found the evidence he needed. A poor old beggar was sitting by the road counting his money. 2 + 2 rupees = 4 rupees. Naa thought to himself, 'Ha if this old illiterate beggar knows this it must be true for all!'
He walked around in his bubble, in fact he would now move from one bubble into another. He wanted to teach everyone what he had realized. He yelled it out to everyone on the streets. "I am the King! 2+2 = 4!" They heard him and saw him. 'Aye' they said. He told them people on the streets from his bubble, "Its not 'aye', you must say 'yes'. DO IT!"
Bubble to bubble he walked realizing how everything was bubbles. How Naa wished others would see what he could see. A world full of decontextualized bubbles. How it gladdened his heart! His enlightenment seemed to light up the whole world. The fire in his eyes provided warmth to all around him. The words within in brain spilled out and formed buildings and factories.
He walked and walked and the words in his head spun around faster and faster. Just words and words and world of words. He decided to sit down for awhile and think. He sat down for oh so long. That was it. When Naa stood up again he was not the same. This was the day that Naa turned into a monster.

Then we sang...

Oh Monster Naa
You Stand so tall
Taller than the trees
You crush them all

Oh Monster Naa, Your head is heavy

Oh Monster Naa
You try to shoot us
We duck and hide
But your gun is rusted

Oh Monster Naa, Your head is heavy

Oh Monster Naa
You forgot your bubbles
You are trapped in them
Your universal troubles

Oh Monster Naa, Your head is heavy

Zara

My Beautiful Zara,
How my heart aches
To think of your pretty face
Those beautiful curls

You were always
So calm, so loving,
So helpful, so caring,
So serene, so sad...

Your eyes spoke for you
The sadness of the years
Teenage passed away
Troubled and confused

Memories of fights
Sadness and hurt
The failed attempts
At leaving this life

Suddenly there was relief
A new phase, a new age
An opening in
The web of sorrow

You saw the light
It made you glad
You reveled in it
You found love

Years of tears
Seemed to have left you
Confident and eager
You faced the world

But, it did not last
You gave away your love
You lost yourself
In this hard world

It started eating you
You tried to surface
Unable to find him
Who would hold you up

Alas, young Zara
You did not stay
Though you wanted
To find a way

You tried so hard
And yet you lost
You left sweet Zara
You are gone forever

Beautiful Zara
I still can see her
But it is not her, only
Reflections in the river

Empty Eyes

Swiveling emotions
Images of the past
They haunt me
Surround me
Leave me alone!

How deep is your wound?
Have you nursed it?
They linger
For a while
But it all expires

Move on now
To important things

A Little More Uncomfortable...

I want to make you feel
A little more uncomfortable
I want to tell you things
You don't want to hear

Can I express how I feel?
Will you be able to hear it?
Or perhaps you will be entertained
And I will take a bow

I want what I cannot have
I am offered what I don't want
I am tired of wanting
I know desires are fleeting

Let it come to me, why?
Do I deserve it?
Am I good enough?
Maybe just different

I just drowned
In self-pity
Did not mean to
Wanted to be above it all

Maybe I am
Stop now...
Not 'I', Not 'I'
Look outside

Not too deep?
Not now
Just be
No mind

No comments
From me?
From you?
From them?

I look now
Inside me
It has gone
It passed already

पुश एंड पुल

वाई डस लव पुश एंड पुल मी?
आई क्न्नोत कंट्रोल माइसेल्फ़
यु स्पिन मी राईट राउंड
एंड आई हेट यू फॉर इट


वाई डू आई लव व्हेन
आई वाँट टू हेट
वाई डू आई गो क्लोसर
व्हेन आई वाँट टू रन?


वात ड्राईव्स मी
वाई कांट आई स्टॉप?
आई डोंट वाँट टू हर्ट
नॉट मी, नॉट मी


आई विश फॉर हिस लव
कम टू मी
समय जस्ट पासिस
ही डस नॉट कम


हेल्प मी फाइट दिस
टू ओब्सर्व
एंड
लेट गो

Tere Naina

मेरे दिल में जो अरमान है
पास आके झरा देखो ना

आब जो तुम मिलगये हो तो
फिरसे ना कहीं खो जा ना

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTpmvQxpljE

Too

Is it right or wrong?
To feel
To feel too much
You tell me

The music swims
Through my ears
It is absorbed
Into me

I am still here
They are not
Perhaps...

Ankhon ka hai dhokha,
Aisa tera pyaar

The White Sea

There was a breeze
I looked
I was mesmerized
I was seized

By the white sea
A white sea
A white sky
A silver streak

Across the sky
Along the horizon
Silver, I stare
At the white sea

I am pulled
Sucked into it
Through my eyes
My eyes alone

Into my body
And out again
There were projections
Ripples of explosions

Not heaven?
Another planet?
Where was I?
I did not get

But it was different
It was allowed to be
I was inspired
Become unique

To venture
The unnameable
The touch
So precious

I am grateful
White sea
You feel like all
And beyond me

A Farmer's Tale

As I sit and watch the street, I am engulfed by a heaviness. It is so thick and it penetrates my limbs. My eyes, they watch, listlessly. They watch the people hurrying by, hurrying to which end I wonder. I know they are hurrying to get to somewhere. To work perhaps, some hurrying home, some just, hurrying. They walk over the filth, breathe the filth, touch it and taste it as well. Yet they don't feel it? Or maybe they do. But I see it. I can feel it with my senses, it has entered me now... it has claimed my mind? Perhaps not yet. I look up at the grey skies and I know, they are grey not from rain. The smoke from my beedi rises up and mingles into the grey. I track the smoke with my eyes till it has disappeared. The faded smoke has turned into the grey skies. As I stare above, I cannot help remembering the blue skies under which I was once. I once was, someone. A farmer.

The sky it is not mine. But it is blue. The fields that surround me are green. It is true that they are mine, but are they really mine? Could they have ever been or remain mine? The fields belong to my, my earth. All that I could call mine, is first hers. I plough, I sow, I water and I tend. But I also reap, and I share. I am happy because I am blessed by my earth. She has given me her best, her all. I try not to want too much, but sometimes I think I do keep wanting. Mother will forgive me, wont she? Here come my children now, they seem happy. I see my little Lila, my little one, chasing the butterfly. She runs playfully, full of joy. She is as fresh as the farms themselves. The life that runs within her seems to penetrate every tree, every animal, and every stone and every inch of soil. I lift her softly and look into her bright eyes and I see in them, myself. I see the fields, the skies in her eyes as she playfully tugs at my beard. I leave her and watch her run around the open field. I see her now, running away from me, further and further away. It is getting hazy now and I cannot see clearly anymore. The green of the fields blurring and merging into the blue sky. The colours swirl and mix into an ugly grey.

I realised I am back on the street, in the city. The grey skies looking back at me, cheerlessly. I ask myself why I am here? Why this filth? Where are these people going? Why do they want to live here? Why would anybody want to live in these crowds? This place is filled with filth, corruption, and evil. It is filled with desires that can never be satisfied. What are they looking for? Why do they pray and steal? Why do they laugh and kill? Why must progress be punctuated by violence and sorrow? Once again I asked, why must I build this road?

There was never an answer. I looked down at my still glowing beedi stub and I saw once again, a glimpse. A memory of the red sun as it set over the fields while Lila and I watched. Slowly the light went out. The sun had set. All I could see now were my soiled feel, in torn slippers. I dragged myself out of my dreams and stood up. The road had to be built, it was not mine but its theirs. The people of the city.

Sensations

Close your eyes they said
Feel, they said
The blackness
Swiveling lights
Darkness again
Cells, the nucleus, the web...
Before my eyes it all floated

On the nose they said
Concentrate, they said
Upper lip
Breath goes in
Breath goes out
Breath goes in
Breath goes out
Now cold, now hot
I feel it in my nose

I am diving now
Into the abyss
Dark
Falling
Hold me!
No one...
I fell down till I reached a bed
A bed of vibrations

Vibrations bursting out of my finger tips
My palms, don't touch them!
Or may be I will touch you
I will heal you
Come
Come to me now
Not yet perhaps...

It is moving now
Engulfing me
Vibrations are filling me up
I tremble at this new experience
I tremble and it hurts
Oh the pain!
Its not mine, or is it?

Images, my life, I gaze astonished
The pains
Sorrows
Sadness
All mine...
My body aches with my pains
'My' pains?
'The' pains...yes.

Gone
They are all gone I cannot believe
I looked for them
Now I feel
A density I have never felt
Am I hollow?
Or am I full?

Here they are again
Oh the vibrations!
Filling the emptiness, the denseness
Bursting out of my skin
I am rising
Boundaries are blurred
Is this me? Or that?
Sensations
Is all

Come Together

Frozen roads
Frozen hearts
Frozen tears
Frozen moments

Take me
Move me
Leave me
Love me

Open hands
Melted hearts
Bloody floors
Crawling skin

New light
New sights
Unknown
My way

His tears?
His fears?
His pain?
No gain?

No guilt
Look ahead
No filth
Dream away

Trust
Surrender
Feel
Kneel

Words always
Touch always
Hearts always
Love always

Forgive always...

I Apologise

I apologise
To all who I hurt
Sometimes by actions
Sometimes by words

How was I to know
That holding on was wrong
That expressing myself
Would hurt so strong

For that I apologise
My dear friend
For that I apologise
My dear love

Month after Month
In just a year
I have lost you
I have pursued you

Winding down the road
I mock myself
For never stopping
Always wanting

If this poem hurts too
I am sorry
If I can never be forgiven
I am sorry

I will not hurt you again
This I promise you
I will miss you dear
And that remains true

(Dedicated to the only person who knows me more than I know myself)

In The Rain

The boy dances in the rain
Water streaming down his body
His body like a young twig
So easily bent
As if struggling against it
He dances
A silhouette
Arms pushing away the hurt
Fists clenched ready to fight
His body is stretched
Stretched to the limit
Hoping it wont snap
The boy dances
The water hitting him
He fights back
Displacing barely
Tears mixing in the rain
Tears of strength
His legs defy gravity
They defy all that has been done
To him
He Dances
Never stopping
Pushing, beating, lifting, swirling
Never stopping

Come into my arms,
Come and rest in the warmth,
Let me hold your quivering body,
Let me give you peace.

Awareness videos

Here are two links to two videos that I have watched recently that have been eye opening in terms of the information. I encountered both in my feminism class. Very important to see both.

The first one is called 'Story of Stuff'

www.storyofstuff.com

The second is called 'Money as Debt'. There are five parts to it which are all on you tube. This link below is the link to the first part. If you look around on the page you will find the other links.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVkFb26u9g8

Fooled by the gods...

It is April fool's day today. I was fooled by the master of fooling. Yes twas god. Well today was an interesting day. It began with a message at 2.21am in the night that sent a panic attack within my sleepy head. Well ofcourse it was an april fool thing. Totally got fooled. Don't you dare laugh! If you had received that message you would have gotten fooled too. It was the artwork of a master... "I have been shot in my arse" the message said. Give me break people I was half asleep...I couldn't think right. Ofcourse I was laughing like a monkey in the middle of the night when I realised it was a prank message and because I couldn't imagine how the hell I fell for it. But this was just the begining of my day.
I got to uni in a lovely mood. Its always great when you wake up with a smile on your face because of your own stupidity. Wallet in pocket I reached class. Pocket without wallet I realised at lunch. Lost my wallet! My cards, my money, my cards... Walked all over campus which is huge by the way. Searched in vain. No wallet. Cried 10 tears in the bathroom, 5 from each eye. Then decided to deactivate my debit card in case its used. Did that. Realised with a grateful sigh that my passport was not in that wallet. Who was playing this prank on me I wondered? It didnt feel like a joke... After approximately 2 hours of having realised I had lost my wallet, I get an email saying that my wallet is lying in the lost and found box in some office on campus. Awesome!!!
April fool!!! shouted the gods...
Good one I must say...
Gotta learn to trust you and your naughty ways.
A wonderful day overall I must say...(not sarcastic)
Highs n lows....
Life...
Thanks to the gods...

Being Tough...

Some say
Being tough is good
Some say
Not always, not now
You lose, you lose

Some say
It makes you hard
Some say
You gotta learn
So soon, so soon

Some say
I am a wussy
Some say
I hurt them
Too tough, too tough

Some say
I have changed
Some say
I am pampered
So true, so true

Some say
I need to decide
Some say
I need to decide
You choose, you choose

(Inspired by love lockdown...drumbeats shaking my soul)

Letting Go

Letting go is confusing. For many people let go = give up. I am not sure that's always true. Though there are definitely some situations where you are saying, 'I am letting go' but in reality you are giving up. So what differentiates the two? I guess sometimes you know in your gut that you must let go and trust the process. Whatever the process may mean to you. It could mean time, god or quantum physics. I prefer the word 'surrender' to 'let go'. Surrender also sounds negative but i feel it requires more strength that it requires to keep holding on at times. I guess you just have to listen to your gut to know when to let go when to surrender and when to give up.
I find letting go mostly difficult. Letting go of situations, bad decisions and the past have been easy for me. But letting go of people is tough. Sometimes people move on but you don't. What do you do then? Run after them for awhile and then when it doesn't work you let go. But what if my mind and heart are refusing to let go? I want to let go to be free but I cant stop trying. Is it that I am not willing to surrender? Perhaps. Is it that probably there is some value in holding on even if it hurts? Perhaps. Sometimes persistence wins. I had a friend who absolutely refused to let go of the one she loved even when it seemed clearly to everyone around her that it was time. But she didn't. And that later became the reason why her beloved never wanted to leave her again. She persisted in her love, leaving her ego behind, just driven by her heart. She is inspiring to me. Am I to do the same for the people I love? Am I to not let go? If I do let go perhaps I will be given another chance?

These questions to me always have just one answer. I must do my best and surrender. I think I have done my best and now I am strong enough to surrender and to await the unknown.

Rigidity or Freedom?

There was a curious incident when I was back home in India and about to leave for the US in a few days. I went to the mechanic to get my scooter serviced. While I was waiting there I noticed an old guy sitting besides me. He decided he wanted to talk to me and I obliged...you see I prefer to try and make it through the day without saying a word (but not always ;-)). Anyway so somehow the conversation reached to my telling him that I was about to leave for the US to study my MA in Philosophy. Then he said something that just made me think, 'this guy is weird'. He told me that he was a professor in the US somewhere and that he was, quoting him, 'very famous'. I said grrreat! Looked at my watch wondering how much longer I would have to listen to him. Oh did I forget to mention he was drunk? Reeking of alcohol I can say. Well moving on, he then decided to say somethings that just made me angry at him. He told me that in order to fit into the American life I would have to become like them. He said, 'If you act like yourself you will never be accepted'. I was like come on I am not known as 'the Rock' for nothing!? By 'the Rock' I don't mean a wrestling champion and nor do I mean that my heart is made of stone. (Nobody calls me 'the Rock' by the way). It just meant that if there was anything about myself I was proud of, it was the fact that I have always been myself and have been strong enough to be myself and also have been open enough to know I need to change when I feel it from within. So with these thoughts racing through my head I decided to just hear him out so that I could run away from him as soon as possible! And then he said somethings that made me think, 'this guy is creepy!'. He wanted me to know that since he was a very good professor, "Girls like you come to my house all the time". Time to leave.

Anyway I was glad to get away from him and also get away to the US to live out my dreams. To be in a new country, study new things, new culture, new people, be totally free to manage my life! My first semester felt like sheer bliss. I was enjoying every single thing. I realised along the way that I didn't seem to have done too well socially but it didn't bother me too much. As time passed this feeling seemed to have become more intense. I started changing my ways, what I talked about to try and fit in. I was getting influenced by people liking me or not liking me. I started missing all that was familiar, people who thought I was important to them, my friends and family. I made a big deal out of this in my head, wanting to fit in became so important. The creepy guy's words came back to me and I thought do I have to change who I am to fit in?

You see I have a big ego. Thats what was causing most of this in my head. I realised that it is my time to learn. Learn about new ways of living and dealing with life. My lessons from my old life were becoming stale. They didn't help and inspire me in these new situations. Back home I would be the one who people learnt things from but now it is my turn to learn from people here. Instead of realising and enjoying the freedom I had of being unattached to any preconcieved notions I was trying my best to become attached to everyting possible. So scared of the freedom that I always yearned for. But now it feels fantastic, like an adventure waiting for me. I will draw strength from my past to learn the new from the future. I am free and it feels wonderful. I am open to change and ready to be myself. The only way I can enjoy my freedom is to be myself and keep growing. Perhaps wanting to fit in is not a bad thing, but I prefer to try and hold on to atleast those things whithin me that are valuable to me. Savvy?

Landslide

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhNrrrCCTdA&feature=related

A beautiful song... click above to listen

Landslide

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

To The Brothers...

I have been in love with brothers (I don't mean Africans) all my life. Brothers have always played an important role in my life. I love the brother-sister relationship. Something fantastically pure about it. I mean of course all boundaries are breakable but they also break the beauty of things.

I think my first close friend was a brother. I was in school and we kind of grew up together. He made me realise I needed to be more open to people, include them in my life. He taught me how to play Mortal Combat on the computer which my dad banned me from playing. But I still did play it secretly! My first friend my first brother. I found it tough to let him go when times changed and I changed. But his love always stayed with me and I still love him very much. The hours we spent playing games in each others houses and sharing each others lives are things I will always cherish.

The next brother in my life taught me to love. We were the same age. But it took just 4 days for us to realise how close we were to each other. 4 days and 16 years of knowing him. Beautiful times. His short trips to meet us on holidays were all I got. But 4 days were enough for me to see how beautiful and loving he was. His loving and caring nature showed me what love is. Letting him go was the toughest thing I had to do. But keeping him in my heart was the easiest. I miss him terribly when I think of what could have been.

I am not done yet...still got more brothers. This one was the one who gave me all the love and support when I needed it the most. He will complain that he is not my 'blood-brother' and wishes he was. But all I can say to him is that we are closer than many 'real' siblings so quit complaining. As you can see I like to scold this brother of mine. He irritates me like crazy and will also laugh his wonderful laugh when he reads this. I love him even though he is so stubborn. I love him for all he has given to me and for all the quiet times we have shared together. I am always there for him.

Last but not the least is my other amazing brother who I was fortunate enough to spend sometime with before I left home. He is engaged now to a beautiful lady. I was upset more than I thought I would ever be when I realised he was getting engaged without me even knowing that. We clicked immediately even though we had not spent much time together in our lives. I treasure our times together watching animation movies and his crappy easy listening cds. (There was nothing 'easy' about easy listening). I am so glad to have him in my life.

To all the brothers I have written about and not written about I want to say that our relationship is a special one. I want to thank you for everything that you have added to my life. I love you and you bring so much beauty and depth in my life. I treasure your love, care and protection. And now that you know how precious your love is to me, you better make sure it stays forever. Yes it is a serious threat.

Love ya Bros

I Was A man

Yesterday I felt that I was a man. I don't mean just gender but also physically.
My whole life played out in front of me...but this time I was male.
I saw myself, my body, a boy, a man.
my voice, my looks, my height...
I saw all my relationships unfolding before me. My parents, sisters, friends, prospective girlfriends...
My life experiences unfolding before me
Only this time I was male

Things may not have been very different from as they are now.
But I would have been different.
It made me realise I was lucky to be a woman.
But in a confusing way. I am happy that I am a woman.
Confusing because had I been a man with my character I would have been harder, colder, unreachable, unloving.
Being a woman put pressure on me to be softer, sweeter, loving, caring.
I am now what I am...less cold, more loving, more caring.
But because of the pressure of gender roles. That is not very nice to know.

I have never thought about myself as male or female before. Never looked at the world through male or female before. I am tempted now to say I am lucky to be a woman. But I will not.

I am both female and male. I am neither female nor male.

One by One...

One by one my leaves fall
The winter is now coming
Once, I used to stand tall
Now I feel like I am crumbling

Why do I feel so you ask?
Why do I look forlorn?
I feel like I am wearing a mask
One that cannot be torn

Grudgingly I am bent sideways
The unrelenting wind pushes
My bark so strong yet too weak
Against the winds that beat

I am pushed down into the ground
My head pushed into the ground
My feet still firmly planted
This is not me! Uncomfortable...

I tried so hard not to become like this
I am ashamed of myself even more
I cannot tear the mask off my face
I don't know what to do anymore

Look how harsh the wind blows now
My poor friends are uprooted
The wind spares no one...but me
It shaped me thus so it would never kill me

Now I know why I had to change
I know now for my bark is strong
I was shaped thus to bear the wind
Till one by one my leaves fall

Split Personality

My head has split into two
One is me and the other is me too
Is it me? Is it a disease?
Is it who I am? Is it who I want to be?

I am who I am now
Yet I can feel the throbbing in my heart
It is another beat
Another me another path

I look at who I am and I see
Dissatisfaction with what I cannot help but be
I look inside and again I find
Another me that could have been at another place at this time

One day I decide to be like that other
Who I believe is really true
And find that everyone loves her better
Makes me feel like I was wearing the wrong shoe

People who know me cannot help but see
The old even though it is the new me
It makes me ask why am I so?
Is it better or must I not let go?

Am I split into half or is it all mine
Am I the shallow one or am I the kind?
What does this world personality disorder mean?
Is just psychology working its mind?

I can feel fate's hands working here
It has shaped who I am and will become
But it leaves also a picture with me
of some one who I must strive to be

I don't need to look without
All I need to do is look within
When change beckons me
I must follow the other me