To Belong

Recently, I have been struggling with a deep desire. The desire 'to belong'. The strength of this urge within me reminds me of the relentlessness of the existence of gravity. Feeling the pull of the earth beneath my feet through its rapid, rotational, roamings, and the restlessness of my life form, seem to inexorably pervade my reality. What crude, hippified words does this desire coerce me into using to express what I wish to belong to?

To Belong to a natural space that I am absorbed by
To Belong to a project (despite its futile-passion tendencies)
To Belong to an Environmental NGO or respectable Environmental thinker
To Belong to a community (that values my values)
To Belong to a lover (preferably mine)

What can I make of this desire? Let me start with its history. Is it new? Not really. You probably heard me drifting through the corridors singing, 'I am displaced, I am displaced...' by Azure Ray. How about psycho-analysing this feeling? Perhaps its another ego trip. 'Am I not special? Where is that place where I can find my dreamland, where I am the center, and will remain the center forever?' This may be partially true, undeniably. But I am not fully convinced.

What does it really mean to belong? Our helpful dictionary points us in one direction, "To be in its right place." This reminds me of Adrienne Rich's Politics of Location. To Rich, I am not merely a woman and identified so. But rather I belong to and I am created by the geography, race, caste, sex, political scenario, economic background, caste, facticity (things I cannot change about myself) etc. I suppose these make me and I am made by them. Perhaps I do not feel a sense of belonging, do not truly understand my politics of location because I have been lost in the sky of the abstract. A world of abstract ideas and concepts, where I became oblivious to even my being immanently an Indian and a woman. Feeling like a balloon trapped in an unclosed, container, I have floated away into the sky. Perhaps to escape unfathomable personal experiences.

There is also another sense to this urge to belong. It is a need to blend in, for the sake of others and myself, to create, to communicate. To become a community that cares. Carol Lee Flinders in her book, Values of Belonging explores the value system of human communities before agriculture and the system that has developed in the post-agricultural world. The hunter-gather lifestyle was dependent wholly on the values of belonging to your community which included not just your clan members but nature itself which was not separate the way we perceive it to be now. This is the sense in which I wish to belong as well.

Every damn thing within the ecological systems of the earth have their functional part. What is my part? How can I belong if I do not know my role or the habits I must cultivate to fit into my role? This is how I wish to belong.

Wise words from my mother when I expressed this need to belong;
"Everybody has a time in their life when they feel this urge, this desire, to belong. It is very important during this time to find something/someone you belong to. In time these things change and rigidity begins to creep in. Sometimes it is having a child that quenches this need for belonging because you find someone you want to live for. Rather than they belong to you, you belong to them."

Hmm... time to make 10 children. That makes me belong 9 times more than if I just had 1. Bah! No. Nein. Nahi.

I am going to do nothing for a while and see if belongingness finds me. If I am not lucky enough, can I create the belonged world for me? Perhaps.  

Flashes from India

Not the exotic India, not the economically booming India, not the slumdog millionaire India, not the colonized India, not the India with Gandhi. Just the India that I see. The India where I grew up, the India which I go back to, the India which I left, the India which it has become.

What can I tell you about my time in India this time? A foreigner described being in India as a "sensory overload". But that is not how I feel when I am in India. However now that I am back from there, all I have with me are flashes...flashes of sensations.

Stepping into tulsi baag and laxmi road, the busiest part of Pune the day after my arrival. The chaos brushing past my skin leaving me untouched. As if I did not see any of it. It was part of me as much as I was a part of it, without actually my being it.

A midnight drive to F.C. road to eat some black current ice cream. Driving through corporation, under the bridge, flickering tube lights, two old men sitting on the ground, inhaling the pollution. My own face reflected in the window. Ah the taste of black current ice cream.

The terrace so inviting, with its swing outside my room where I have spent hours upon hours, dreaming, thinking, and dreaming some more. I step out into the terrace that fills up with sunlight only for 3 hours in the afternoon because of the tall buildings all around. But there is no time to sit, I need to run up to the third floor to help my relatives.

Practicing the song the three sisters sang. Treasuring every moment with my sisters. Only to be found during chores. Let us connect, share with me, don't leave me I urged. The tears would not stop that night. Then I sat in the terrace, looking up at the square sky, tears flowing down my face, shivering because of the cold and the deep loss.

We made our way on the scooter. Me at the back. The insanity of the traffic. When I looked at the people driving their cars, their eyes focussed on getting through. The India with dreams of cars and lavish weddings. The India that says "me first, me first always". If this is what I call home, then why do I feel so alone?

But I am under the trees now, in my cocoon. I struggle to be free even though I am allowed to be free now. I look at her, soaking in her words, allowing my words to be expelled into the air. They were received and embraced. A short hour of depth.

Holding old age in my hands. Watching fear and life slowing oozing out. Watching myself watching a scene which I could not react to. I back away slowly from the unknown and inevitable. Who are you? I do not remember you. But I will still stroke your hair tenderly and tell you not to be afraid.

Journeys in the bus are always more involved in India. As we rode towards Konkan, you can never be just an observer of all that is outside. No glass separates you, no eyes create distance. The smells and chaos of the people in the bus create a world that is both inside and outside. Yet I am within it and lost to it, as my eyes can only focus on the distant mountains, the fields near by, thoughtless, impressionless. Suddenly I turn to her, unable to grasp her physical reality, the present moment extending infinitely, but passing at the same time. I look all over, begging my mind to grasp the moment and its beauty before it passes. But instead I have forgotten to breathe.

But the fields remind me of where I want to be and what I want to do. I will grow food. The red soil, I missed so much. What do I miss about home the most? The red soil. Red like blood. Get it on your clothes and it takes years to come off.

Supporting my body with my elbows, I watch the waves. Soon I can only hear them. My tears blur my vision, but they empty my heart and make me grateful for what there is. Sand slipping through my fingers, there it is again, there it slips away again.

Some connections remain, some are lost, some must be let go off. Remember me? I haven't forgotten you.

I rode the scooter this time. Early morning and its cold. My hands are freezing as I ride, but my heart is warm because of the arms that embrace me and keep me warm. Another chance to reflect under the trees, under the peeping sunlight, another chance to change.

As we sat in the bus, listening to music, one headphone in each ear, the school boys stared at us. Probably watching our breasts heaving up and down as the bus wound its way over the mountain towards the beach. Wondering who these girls were? alone? rich fucks? chatterboxes!

We at food at the Great Punjab restaurant. Butter chicken. Full tummies and empty hearts. Anju will not come home with us today. As we say our goodbyes below the restaurant I observe the puppies playing with us, hoping to get some food from us. But nobody cares. There is no time.

I touched so many hands. Hands with rings, hands with watches, hands with wrinkles. I wiped some tears. Not just my own in the bathroom with the towel. So much love conveyed through those loving hands. So grateful.

Avoiding the gaze of a hundred people who stared at me in my hot pink dress, wondering what to make of me, how to reconcile my dress with who they thought I was. The make up gave me a headache. I am not very flexible. I could not cope with the role of someone who puts makeup on.

The wind blowing through my hair as I weave my way through the traffic. Change gear. Beirut. Just me. Change gear. The night. The thick pollution like a fog that refuses to lift. At the beach there were stars. So many of them.

But I will come back, I say to myself, as the plane goes higher and higher. Sleepy eyes catch glimpses of cities in the dark. A maze of glittering lights. Darkness. More glittering blurry lights. I close my eyes giving up the urge to stay awake. Satisfied with my share of experiences, looking forward to what lay on the other side. A west-coast friendship.

Sowed Seeds

I spent 7 weeks in California between June and August recently. I decided to learn some farming and so used the WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities for Organic Farming) network and went to two places called WindTree and StillPoint Zen Community Center. After spending most of my time doing this, I spent a week traveling in California and meeting family. Amongst all the activities I performed through this time, some left more impact on me than others. So I decided to write about some of my observations and realizations about something and everything.

Growing: I enjoy working outdoors with my hands and pushing my body to do more. Growing muscles is great, but not as amazing as growing food. There are several stages to growing food, and my favourite was preparing the soil for sowing. We refrained from using machines so I used my hands a lot. Playing with soil is fun!

Forests: Working in forests is unknown to me and I feel lost. I don't think they need to be disturbed.

New Ecologies: It is fantastically unknown and rare to be a part of the beginning of a new ecology after the death of an old one. Bees, flowers, and butterflies are in abundance at newness. Dead burnt trees stood like old pillars of the past, as a new system emerged right at the feet of the burnt majesty.

Mountains: I miss them.

Shovel: It is my favourite tool. I could spend days shoveling...preparing soil, mixing it, making Cob etc.

Ladders: Working on ladders is easier than it looks.

Watering Hoses: Using hoses is not as easy as it looks. Watering often crushes plants along the way. There are many kinds of pipes and hoses that you can use to save water. A great one is a soaker hose which conserves water and does some good deep watering. Top watering consumes a lot of water.

Indigenous Grandmothers: There are 13 indigenous grandmothers on a council. Though there are many more grandmothers in the world. http://www.grandmotherscouncil.org/

Care: I care about situations, not things or beings. I cannot love or hate the environment. It just is. Just like beings. And so I care about situations with boundaries that I set within where I can see interconnections, motivations, consequences, and repercussions. Right now I care about problematic ecological and social situations that seem affected by human beings.

Taking sides: No side can be taken for too long.

Learning Lessons: I need to find a way to combine the practical and the influential. To make sure lessons are learnt simultaneously as solutions are created.

Brahman and Maya: They need to be interchanged. Brahman is the essential Maya and Maya must be made the Brahman.

Birds: It is not easy being winged.

Death: It is close and common. Socrates was right when he said that if you are afraid of death you are being arrogant because you think you know what happens once you die. I choose to apply this to other situations in my life as well.

Goats: Are adorable and frustrating...and hard work. They are domesticated just like humans.

Goodbyes: They are not meant to be sad. If they are extra sad, something is wrong.

Communities: They are a place of fulfillment, action, and motivation. It is very difficult to maintain horizontalness within them

The Pacific Ocean: Is the bluest ocean I have ever seen.

Dirt: Dirt is not dirty. In cities it is. But we forget that dirt is not dirty on a farm, or in a forest.

Vanishing: Is all about yourself in a most selfish manner.

Family: Mine cares. Everywhere.

House: I will build my own house and you are most welcome to come and help me build it. Slowly and soon I wish to move away from the urban life.

Home: There is no home. But temporarily special places may be called home while living there. Once you leave and come back, it is a memory of a home.

Moments: Every moment has only just passed and no matter how aware I was of it, I am never sure if it was just a dream.

Connections: There are special things, people, and places.

Some seeds have been sowed and I can only hope they grow well. I hope they receive just the right amount of water, have good soil, are pruned right, and are harvested at the right time.

Thank you WindTree, Stillpoint Zen, Family in California, and family elsewhere.

Over the Edge

Some like to call it tipping point, others being jolted to their senses. Whatever you might want to call it, it is definitely the best thing that can happen to one such as me. A dreamer who loses herself in her own world while the others keep moving with what they consider reality. Reality that has been affirmed empirically by most individuals through their experiences. There is definitely something amazingly attractive and profound about living in my own dreams. It is a world which is governed by my own rules, has depth and meaning as I give it, and saves me from becoming domesticated. This world of mine helps me keep some of the madness that is necessary for my survival in my interconnected shared empirical life.

But everyday this shared life places burdens on me. Burdens which become heavier and heavier. Sometimes I realize they exist, at other times I forget about them. But I keep bearing these burdens and as they keep growing, I get slowly crushed under them. And just when I think I cannot take it anymore, I receive a big blow. This blow pushes me to the edge and I try to balance myself, only to find that after the required amount of time has passed, the burden tips over and falls over the edge. I awaken. Awaken out of my dreams, and stare at the now naked shared reality. Staring into the eyes of this naked reality gives me the strength I need and adds that extra nutrient that I need as an organism to grow. With that nutrient within me, I am allowed to grow in joy. Soon I float back into my dream world...only this time with new limits to my dreams.

Maybe until the time I am allowed to dream without limits. When madness and intensity will be allowed to stay.

Relationships

If there is anyone you could call naive, its me as far as 'worldly' relationships go. Who says I am naive? Well you guessed that right, the world. A vicious circle indeed. The world might probably call me naive for even writing about relationships...but to that I just say...

Get lost.

Seeing as I am going through adolescence now rather than a few years ago, it is quite appropriate and fitting that I should be thinking about these matters like relationships now. Though I have heard its a life long thing. But I am guessing I will probably revert to my old ways of not giving a damn about them, eventually as the novelty of this topic wears out in my life.

So getting to the point, relationships. What can I say? They come in all shapes, sizes, and colours. Whoa wait a minute, I am not talking about the people in the relationships. I mean relationships themselves. They are so varied. Of course now others might say, nah not really. They're all just power struggles. To them I say, it got its pros and cons buddy. And if I love someone who doesn't even know I care, I win immediately! Power to me! But I like to believe that relationships are of all kinds and my life experiences affirm that. It is not a surprise since we are all interconnected in a web of relationships, where each connection is unique (with no positive connotation).

Now in this web of connections I give more importance to certain connections than others, and these connections I call relationships. In my life I have given importance to the following kinds of relationships;

1) Brothers

2) Sisters

3) Friends who I can be mean to

4) Romantic partners/Prospective romantic partners

5) Unnameable relationships

I love my brothers. I love my sisters. It is very simple. When I say simple it doesn't mean that my love is always returned. It just means that it is easy to come to terms with unrequited love in this senario.

Friends, yes it is mostly simple too but not as much as the above. For someone like me who can really create meaningful friendships with only 1 or 2 people every 2 years, it is not so simple. But once again, the beauty of friendships is, low expectations and therefore lower chances of feeling the pain of unrequited love

What can I say about the simplicity of the relationships with romantic partners? I can't say anything actually because there is no 'simplicity'. Though I was once a believer in simple romance. Sometimes I wonder if unrequited love is just as hurtful when coming from your partner or a prospective partner. I find both equally painful. Lets just say restless nights and days are endless. Sometimes it feels like a punishment for being naive. But its does great wonders if like me you suffer from a big ego. Neither giving is easy nor is taking in these relationships.

The unnameable relationships are usually those where I feel a connection with someone but there is no past, no reason, and no future. Its usually mostly fulfilled in the present. It doesn't desire much and so is very often the simplest and most fulfilling of all. Its normal in the sense that it passes through your like any other occurrence. I guess its an occurrence, but with meaningful impact. The only pain is when either me or the other person does not see that it is an unnameable relationship. Or when I try to twist a normal relationship into an unnameable relationship for the romantic purposes of my brain.

Having gone through the list, I find that knowledge does not suffice. I am hoping that the 'imaginary' gap between my knowledge and my actions can be bridged. I cannot help but add a small verse at the end to express my emotions...

Am I sick,

Because of broken dreams?

Am I swayed,

Because of the love games?

Of the heart.

Of the past.

But there is a break, along the way

There I will reach, once I am ready.

The Trip - Dec 2009

So here I am. I went on a little multi-city tour this winter break and I find myself reflecting on my time. I did many things, thought many things, and realized many things. One of my realizations was that my blog has probably become more and more cryptic and abstract and difficult to understand. The possible reasons are that I am scared to write about how I feel in a way that people will actually understand how I feel, and another reason is that I like to believe that what I write need not be public; that is as long as I understand what I write I couldn't care less. But I guess I do need to communicate and hence this post is going to be an attempt at honest and simple sharing. So read on...

I went to Boston-Burlington-Baltimore. Interestingly all Bs. I in fact had made a decision once upon a time that I will do a bike (cycle) tour to all towns and cities in India that start with B. Quite an irrelevant piece of information. Well, I had an excellent time on this trip meeting family and friends and having time for myself.

First is a list of things that sum up my trip

1. Slept in a fetal position in the 18 hour train journey from Toledo to Boston. But also sat in the cafe car for most of the time, looking out of the window.
2. Met Alex in the cafe car where we talked about how he faces discrimination because of his dreadlocks even though he is white.
3. Had a conversation about open spaces and common land in Australia with an old Australian couple, an environmental science student, and a physics student.
4. Spilled a whole embarrassing cup of coffee on myself. Thermals saved me from getting a skin burn.
5. Drove around Boston, walked through Harvard and saw some MIT buildings.
6. Met a family comprising of a white man, woman from India, and two adopted girls from India.
7. Sat through the most amazing drive between Boston and Burlington.
8. Ate good food and drank red wine everywhere
9. Sat through 3 christmas parties
10. Met long lost cousins and uncles
11. Rode the red line in Boston (metro)
12. Made friends with Ace who I never touched. (the cat)
13. Understood what it feels like to be told I drink wine too fast and that I drink win too slow.
14. Did a lot of futile research for Philadelphia.
15. Slept through new year at Baltimore
16. Said nothing to anybody on the train back to Toledo

And now somethings I learned, re-learned, realized etc.

I figured it is okay to be restless and unsure about the future because there are so many attractive options and also it motivates me to get work done on time. I shouldn't take things too seriously sometimes.

I was reminded about the wonderful friends I have. Some of my friendships are stronger than my family ties. I am so grateful for them. I will continue to create and keep deep friendships regardless of what people have to say about relationships only being shallow in 'real' life. I am what I am, a caring, loyal, and loving friend. Also brutal, honest, and playful. I can be all this only to few and I am glad and grateful to my friends for allowing me to be all this.

Philosophically I need to be honest with myself about my own beliefs. I realize that I am constantly growing and changing. I should trust my experiences.

I can and will never be a part of any group or gang. I would not want to even if I was and so I should stop trying and instead cherish my friendships.

Toledo is a learning and training ground for me. It is teaching me to be independent, interdependent, and knowledgeable.

My family continues to be my biggest support at all times and I cannot be thankful enough.

So, it has been a fruitful trip and I hope to make such trips regularly throughout my life.

My Past, Present, and Future

Who am I? I am a representative. I represent some others of a generation. I represent and yet I am different. My difference is still defined by my culture, society... my politics of location. I feel like talking about me, as a representative of a generation.
I always knew that I did not know much about anything. But I was prompted to look again at my past and my present. This makes me think about what I want in my future. What prompted me to look again was the talk I attended by Asra Nomani on her struggles with religion. She was brought up in a certain religion with its twists of an impact of the American culture. The life she lived created for her a path to take within her religion that saved it for her and also was lost in part. It made me think about what religion meant to me. It reminded me of a generation. A generation I represent. Are you a part of this generation I speak of?

The Past
In India I was brought up in a house with two parents from two different religions. I would call myself Jain since my dad was a Jain and the children are thus automatically labeled with the father's religion. My father and his family were no practitioners of their religion and so as a child nor was I. My mother was a practitioner of her religion, Vaishnav. But since she was married into my father's non-religious family she let a lot of her religion go. My entire schooling was in a Convent of Jesus and Mary school. My main input of religion was Christianity. I was born in Jamshedpur (east India), lived all my life in Pune (west India) and my native place is in Gujarat (another state in west India). I know three Indian languages, English, and very little German.
This is the background which merely helps me understand how I know nothing well enough. I know a little about a mixed up version of Christianity. I hardly know enough about Jainism. Almost nothing about Vaishnav. My background knowledge of Indian culture is greatly affected by a huge input of western culture. I do not know the ancient stories well, nor the characters. The Gita is just a name of a book to me. Of all the languages I speak, I know English the best. And yet spoken English is often my weakness. None of the other Indians will say that I speak Hindi, Gujarati or Marathi well. In fact I sound like a foreigner when I speak any Indian language.
I am not rooted anywhere fully. Neither religion nor culture. I am Indian. When I say that, I mean, I lived in India. I have lived in India and seen the beggars, the dirty streets, the excessive honking in urban cities. My view of religion consists of riots and violence. Religious fundamentalism, blind beliefs, and rituals. Swinging from a belief in god to atheism to vedanta. I would hold on to Philosophy instead. Religion is corrupted. Something I do not even want to deal with. Talk about religion and you've lost me.

The Present
I study in the US. The only international student in a department of philosophy. I am supposed to know about my culture, my country, my history, my religion. I know nothing. My knowledge of India is challenged. It is abrupt, unfinished, and distorted. All I have with me is old and half-baked analytic philosophy. My beliefs seem small compared to the unknown philosophies I encounter. I am challenged to look again at my beliefs. I know more about the US than I know about India. I am concerned with the health care reform. Obama, and the Daily Show. I know the names of more people in the US government than in the Indian government. I am bombarded with new information and ways of thought and action that I have encountered before only in a dream in my own head. I am confused, challenged, and thrilled in cyclical succession.

The Future
I acknowledge that I only know something about somethings. I am seeking knowledge now about the culture I lived in. I am concerned about the farmers in India. I am concerned about the extremes. I am ready to appreciate and criticize. I am ready to immerse myself in India and the world. I want to know where I came from so I can know where I want to go. I long to be a global citizen. I speak to all who can identify with me.

Am I your reflection in rippling waters?

Fooled by the gods...

It is April fool's day today. I was fooled by the master of fooling. Yes twas god. Well today was an interesting day. It began with a message at 2.21am in the night that sent a panic attack within my sleepy head. Well ofcourse it was an april fool thing. Totally got fooled. Don't you dare laugh! If you had received that message you would have gotten fooled too. It was the artwork of a master... "I have been shot in my arse" the message said. Give me break people I was half asleep...I couldn't think right. Ofcourse I was laughing like a monkey in the middle of the night when I realised it was a prank message and because I couldn't imagine how the hell I fell for it. But this was just the begining of my day.
I got to uni in a lovely mood. Its always great when you wake up with a smile on your face because of your own stupidity. Wallet in pocket I reached class. Pocket without wallet I realised at lunch. Lost my wallet! My cards, my money, my cards... Walked all over campus which is huge by the way. Searched in vain. No wallet. Cried 10 tears in the bathroom, 5 from each eye. Then decided to deactivate my debit card in case its used. Did that. Realised with a grateful sigh that my passport was not in that wallet. Who was playing this prank on me I wondered? It didnt feel like a joke... After approximately 2 hours of having realised I had lost my wallet, I get an email saying that my wallet is lying in the lost and found box in some office on campus. Awesome!!!
April fool!!! shouted the gods...
Good one I must say...
Gotta learn to trust you and your naughty ways.
A wonderful day overall I must say...(not sarcastic)
Highs n lows....
Life...
Thanks to the gods...

To The Brothers...

I have been in love with brothers (I don't mean Africans) all my life. Brothers have always played an important role in my life. I love the brother-sister relationship. Something fantastically pure about it. I mean of course all boundaries are breakable but they also break the beauty of things.

I think my first close friend was a brother. I was in school and we kind of grew up together. He made me realise I needed to be more open to people, include them in my life. He taught me how to play Mortal Combat on the computer which my dad banned me from playing. But I still did play it secretly! My first friend my first brother. I found it tough to let him go when times changed and I changed. But his love always stayed with me and I still love him very much. The hours we spent playing games in each others houses and sharing each others lives are things I will always cherish.

The next brother in my life taught me to love. We were the same age. But it took just 4 days for us to realise how close we were to each other. 4 days and 16 years of knowing him. Beautiful times. His short trips to meet us on holidays were all I got. But 4 days were enough for me to see how beautiful and loving he was. His loving and caring nature showed me what love is. Letting him go was the toughest thing I had to do. But keeping him in my heart was the easiest. I miss him terribly when I think of what could have been.

I am not done yet...still got more brothers. This one was the one who gave me all the love and support when I needed it the most. He will complain that he is not my 'blood-brother' and wishes he was. But all I can say to him is that we are closer than many 'real' siblings so quit complaining. As you can see I like to scold this brother of mine. He irritates me like crazy and will also laugh his wonderful laugh when he reads this. I love him even though he is so stubborn. I love him for all he has given to me and for all the quiet times we have shared together. I am always there for him.

Last but not the least is my other amazing brother who I was fortunate enough to spend sometime with before I left home. He is engaged now to a beautiful lady. I was upset more than I thought I would ever be when I realised he was getting engaged without me even knowing that. We clicked immediately even though we had not spent much time together in our lives. I treasure our times together watching animation movies and his crappy easy listening cds. (There was nothing 'easy' about easy listening). I am so glad to have him in my life.

To all the brothers I have written about and not written about I want to say that our relationship is a special one. I want to thank you for everything that you have added to my life. I love you and you bring so much beauty and depth in my life. I treasure your love, care and protection. And now that you know how precious your love is to me, you better make sure it stays forever. Yes it is a serious threat.

Love ya Bros

FOOTBALL!!!

That what I have been doing every thursday evening.... playing football or what they call Soccer here. Its absolutely 'awesome' again as they say here with the American twist of the tongue. I am not really sure if there is any tongue twisting in that but you get the point eh?
But I ain't playin just some 'galli' football but actual tournament in a proper field. The field is infact a indoor field. Its pretty awesome. So a few people in my department and their friends signed up a team for this season.... and asked me to join them. I told them I suck plus $50 for it....ummm...nah.
But guess what? We all suck and its totally worth the money because its a lot of fun.
So i have to wear shin guards and high socks till my knees and shorts and t-shirt and over the t-shirt i have to wear a stinking colourful vest to match the rest of my team. I am ready to go!
we play against other teams. I have played 2 thurdays already and have 3 more to go. Its great excersise and really tiring. The deal is that there have to be 2 girls on the field at all times and the ball has to be kicked by a girl at least once before there is a goal. there are only 3 girls in my department and so we all get a lot of running to do. but its not too bad.

We lose.
yes thats what we do.
we lose.
well yesterday we played the best team (undeafeated!) and guess what happened?
WE WON!!!
Nah I am kidding.
We lost 8 goals to Zero. hahaha
But we philosophers are all cool headed and unambitious, non-competitive folk. we take it easy. so its not difficult to lose...
The best part of this whole football thing is that I get to kick the ball, i get to fall and make other people fall too! The other great think about it is the pain oh sweet pain in the legs till the next thursday.
Well here you have it. I am getting all round development here in Toledo.
Loving it.

Philosophy at Toledo...

Hellos everybody who is interested to know more about how I am getting along at the UT (University of Toledo).
So the campus is really great. Beautiful and big like University of Pune (which btw is greener). As I stepped into college for the international students orientation, I was surrounded by Chinese and Indians. Chinese outnumbering the Indians by a huge margin. Quite surprising for me actually. Eventually I realised that I was probably one out 300 people there who was here to study something in the arts side of things.... The rest were engineering and pharmacy students. So you can imagine how alienated I was feeling! But I enjoyed meeting all these new people.
My department is extremely small as you can imagine. So small that I think it is non-existent to many. Like the president of international students organisation did not know that the university had a department of philosophy! But i think we are all used to this by now isn't it? Well so my department is situated in a building about 15-20mins walking distance from my apartment (I walk everyday). The building is like a maze and you just get totally lost in it cause it has steps and doors and more steps and more doors. Finally I did make it to the department and I was told by the secretary that I was the only international student they had had in the last couple of years! Well so that felt good to hear in the beginning but later I realised you can get pretty alienated in a totally american dominated environment.
So I have a teaching assistantship which means I have to assist one of the professors (Ammon Allred) in his undergraduate lectures. I have to mainly sit and listen to his lectures and help him with grading papers and sometimes even help him teach. I will be assisting him in Contemporary Moral Problems. Looking forward to it. I also have to maintain a few office hours every week where undergraduate students can come and ask me questions and I have to help them out. So that is my job.
My degree requirement are that I have to have minimum of 32 credits at the end of 2 yrs. These 32 credits include lecture times and thesis reading (or something like that). I am still getting a hang of these things... not too sure. So there are three semesters and I have to have to choose a minimum of 9 credits each semester. So this semester there were four options....
1) Philosophy of mind
2) Phenomenology
3) 20th century analytic
4) American philosophers : william james etc..

So i chose 1,2 & 3 which are 3 credits each that makes it 9 credits total.
Next year things will get tougher because by this time I should already be ready with a draft of my thesis as I will have to begin applying for my PhD by december. And also I may be talking my own classes like 'Introduction to philosophy or critical thinking etc.'

So tomorrow is the first day of my lecture.
I have already begun reading as you have to keep reading all the time and soon write papers. And A's in the papers are a must....

Well thats all for now.
I will keep this space updated!
Keep a look out for it
Feel free to ask me any questions about academics or anything here

Looking forward to this new adventure!

p.s. If you click on the title 'Philosophy at Toledo' it will take you to my department website

My terrace wall!!! we painted it

Photos...

Hey if you like these pics check out my other pictures by clicking on 'Photos' above.