Imbalanced Connections

Life appears to be a movement between two extremes and the constant struggle to find balance. There are so many kinds of extremes;

Happiness-Sadness

Personal dreams-Societal demands

My opinions-Your opinions

My life-Your life

Home-Evey other place

Respect-Rejection

Knowledge-Ignorance

Work-Play

Idle-Busy

There are so many more extremes that seem to dominate life. But the reality is in the fact that conflict arises because of creating these dualities. The wider my eyes open I find there is nothing but a vast web of interlocking, interdependent connections and relationships. Some relationships more important than others at different times. All these dualisms have been proved to be utter nonsense in my life. They are simultaneously existing at all times in relations to so many other aspects, and if you think life is about finding balance, think again.

Happiness and sadness affect us so much. Today I am happy, and tomorrow I am sad. I do not complain when I am happy but I am aware I might lose this happiness very soon. Tomorrow when I feel sad I cannot wait for it to pass. And when I perceive the two days separately, I think to myself, 'I need balance' so that neither happiness nor sadness affect me. But that cannot be true, because at all times, happiness and sadness exist together. I have observed my life and found that every happy event is accompanied at all times by some sad event. The degree of sadness and happiness may vary, but you cannot separate the two. They are part of a web.

Another one of my lessons that I have learnt has been regarding my personal problems versus the world's problems. How often have I heard that 'when you compare your own personal problems with the world's problems, you will find that they become insignificant'. 'Looking up at the stars you realize how small you are'. This seems like the worst advice you can give someone. My problems are not insignificant. They are a part of this web of interconnections which is connected to all the world problems. I can only simultaneously work on both together. My problems are not outside of the web of other problems. They will never be completely resolved and nor will the world's problems. They have to co-exist and will warrant equal attention.

Deconstructing the global and local is also very important. The local and global are interconnected at all times. The web only grows more or less intricate depending on how far or near it you are. The closer you go, the local seems to swallow you up. It is up to me, how far I want to go or how near I want to go. It is up to me what part of this web I want to focus on.

I guess life is about understanding the interconnections within which we all exist and participate. The smooth functioning of this web is all we can hope and strive for.

The Trip - Dec 2009

So here I am. I went on a little multi-city tour this winter break and I find myself reflecting on my time. I did many things, thought many things, and realized many things. One of my realizations was that my blog has probably become more and more cryptic and abstract and difficult to understand. The possible reasons are that I am scared to write about how I feel in a way that people will actually understand how I feel, and another reason is that I like to believe that what I write need not be public; that is as long as I understand what I write I couldn't care less. But I guess I do need to communicate and hence this post is going to be an attempt at honest and simple sharing. So read on...

I went to Boston-Burlington-Baltimore. Interestingly all Bs. I in fact had made a decision once upon a time that I will do a bike (cycle) tour to all towns and cities in India that start with B. Quite an irrelevant piece of information. Well, I had an excellent time on this trip meeting family and friends and having time for myself.

First is a list of things that sum up my trip

1. Slept in a fetal position in the 18 hour train journey from Toledo to Boston. But also sat in the cafe car for most of the time, looking out of the window.
2. Met Alex in the cafe car where we talked about how he faces discrimination because of his dreadlocks even though he is white.
3. Had a conversation about open spaces and common land in Australia with an old Australian couple, an environmental science student, and a physics student.
4. Spilled a whole embarrassing cup of coffee on myself. Thermals saved me from getting a skin burn.
5. Drove around Boston, walked through Harvard and saw some MIT buildings.
6. Met a family comprising of a white man, woman from India, and two adopted girls from India.
7. Sat through the most amazing drive between Boston and Burlington.
8. Ate good food and drank red wine everywhere
9. Sat through 3 christmas parties
10. Met long lost cousins and uncles
11. Rode the red line in Boston (metro)
12. Made friends with Ace who I never touched. (the cat)
13. Understood what it feels like to be told I drink wine too fast and that I drink win too slow.
14. Did a lot of futile research for Philadelphia.
15. Slept through new year at Baltimore
16. Said nothing to anybody on the train back to Toledo

And now somethings I learned, re-learned, realized etc.

I figured it is okay to be restless and unsure about the future because there are so many attractive options and also it motivates me to get work done on time. I shouldn't take things too seriously sometimes.

I was reminded about the wonderful friends I have. Some of my friendships are stronger than my family ties. I am so grateful for them. I will continue to create and keep deep friendships regardless of what people have to say about relationships only being shallow in 'real' life. I am what I am, a caring, loyal, and loving friend. Also brutal, honest, and playful. I can be all this only to few and I am glad and grateful to my friends for allowing me to be all this.

Philosophically I need to be honest with myself about my own beliefs. I realize that I am constantly growing and changing. I should trust my experiences.

I can and will never be a part of any group or gang. I would not want to even if I was and so I should stop trying and instead cherish my friendships.

Toledo is a learning and training ground for me. It is teaching me to be independent, interdependent, and knowledgeable.

My family continues to be my biggest support at all times and I cannot be thankful enough.

So, it has been a fruitful trip and I hope to make such trips regularly throughout my life.

My Past, Present, and Future

Who am I? I am a representative. I represent some others of a generation. I represent and yet I am different. My difference is still defined by my culture, society... my politics of location. I feel like talking about me, as a representative of a generation.
I always knew that I did not know much about anything. But I was prompted to look again at my past and my present. This makes me think about what I want in my future. What prompted me to look again was the talk I attended by Asra Nomani on her struggles with religion. She was brought up in a certain religion with its twists of an impact of the American culture. The life she lived created for her a path to take within her religion that saved it for her and also was lost in part. It made me think about what religion meant to me. It reminded me of a generation. A generation I represent. Are you a part of this generation I speak of?

The Past
In India I was brought up in a house with two parents from two different religions. I would call myself Jain since my dad was a Jain and the children are thus automatically labeled with the father's religion. My father and his family were no practitioners of their religion and so as a child nor was I. My mother was a practitioner of her religion, Vaishnav. But since she was married into my father's non-religious family she let a lot of her religion go. My entire schooling was in a Convent of Jesus and Mary school. My main input of religion was Christianity. I was born in Jamshedpur (east India), lived all my life in Pune (west India) and my native place is in Gujarat (another state in west India). I know three Indian languages, English, and very little German.
This is the background which merely helps me understand how I know nothing well enough. I know a little about a mixed up version of Christianity. I hardly know enough about Jainism. Almost nothing about Vaishnav. My background knowledge of Indian culture is greatly affected by a huge input of western culture. I do not know the ancient stories well, nor the characters. The Gita is just a name of a book to me. Of all the languages I speak, I know English the best. And yet spoken English is often my weakness. None of the other Indians will say that I speak Hindi, Gujarati or Marathi well. In fact I sound like a foreigner when I speak any Indian language.
I am not rooted anywhere fully. Neither religion nor culture. I am Indian. When I say that, I mean, I lived in India. I have lived in India and seen the beggars, the dirty streets, the excessive honking in urban cities. My view of religion consists of riots and violence. Religious fundamentalism, blind beliefs, and rituals. Swinging from a belief in god to atheism to vedanta. I would hold on to Philosophy instead. Religion is corrupted. Something I do not even want to deal with. Talk about religion and you've lost me.

The Present
I study in the US. The only international student in a department of philosophy. I am supposed to know about my culture, my country, my history, my religion. I know nothing. My knowledge of India is challenged. It is abrupt, unfinished, and distorted. All I have with me is old and half-baked analytic philosophy. My beliefs seem small compared to the unknown philosophies I encounter. I am challenged to look again at my beliefs. I know more about the US than I know about India. I am concerned with the health care reform. Obama, and the Daily Show. I know the names of more people in the US government than in the Indian government. I am bombarded with new information and ways of thought and action that I have encountered before only in a dream in my own head. I am confused, challenged, and thrilled in cyclical succession.

The Future
I acknowledge that I only know something about somethings. I am seeking knowledge now about the culture I lived in. I am concerned about the farmers in India. I am concerned about the extremes. I am ready to appreciate and criticize. I am ready to immerse myself in India and the world. I want to know where I came from so I can know where I want to go. I long to be a global citizen. I speak to all who can identify with me.

Am I your reflection in rippling waters?

Letting Go

Letting go is confusing. For many people let go = give up. I am not sure that's always true. Though there are definitely some situations where you are saying, 'I am letting go' but in reality you are giving up. So what differentiates the two? I guess sometimes you know in your gut that you must let go and trust the process. Whatever the process may mean to you. It could mean time, god or quantum physics. I prefer the word 'surrender' to 'let go'. Surrender also sounds negative but i feel it requires more strength that it requires to keep holding on at times. I guess you just have to listen to your gut to know when to let go when to surrender and when to give up.
I find letting go mostly difficult. Letting go of situations, bad decisions and the past have been easy for me. But letting go of people is tough. Sometimes people move on but you don't. What do you do then? Run after them for awhile and then when it doesn't work you let go. But what if my mind and heart are refusing to let go? I want to let go to be free but I cant stop trying. Is it that I am not willing to surrender? Perhaps. Is it that probably there is some value in holding on even if it hurts? Perhaps. Sometimes persistence wins. I had a friend who absolutely refused to let go of the one she loved even when it seemed clearly to everyone around her that it was time. But she didn't. And that later became the reason why her beloved never wanted to leave her again. She persisted in her love, leaving her ego behind, just driven by her heart. She is inspiring to me. Am I to do the same for the people I love? Am I to not let go? If I do let go perhaps I will be given another chance?

These questions to me always have just one answer. I must do my best and surrender. I think I have done my best and now I am strong enough to surrender and to await the unknown.

Rigidity or Freedom?

There was a curious incident when I was back home in India and about to leave for the US in a few days. I went to the mechanic to get my scooter serviced. While I was waiting there I noticed an old guy sitting besides me. He decided he wanted to talk to me and I obliged...you see I prefer to try and make it through the day without saying a word (but not always ;-)). Anyway so somehow the conversation reached to my telling him that I was about to leave for the US to study my MA in Philosophy. Then he said something that just made me think, 'this guy is weird'. He told me that he was a professor in the US somewhere and that he was, quoting him, 'very famous'. I said grrreat! Looked at my watch wondering how much longer I would have to listen to him. Oh did I forget to mention he was drunk? Reeking of alcohol I can say. Well moving on, he then decided to say somethings that just made me angry at him. He told me that in order to fit into the American life I would have to become like them. He said, 'If you act like yourself you will never be accepted'. I was like come on I am not known as 'the Rock' for nothing!? By 'the Rock' I don't mean a wrestling champion and nor do I mean that my heart is made of stone. (Nobody calls me 'the Rock' by the way). It just meant that if there was anything about myself I was proud of, it was the fact that I have always been myself and have been strong enough to be myself and also have been open enough to know I need to change when I feel it from within. So with these thoughts racing through my head I decided to just hear him out so that I could run away from him as soon as possible! And then he said somethings that made me think, 'this guy is creepy!'. He wanted me to know that since he was a very good professor, "Girls like you come to my house all the time". Time to leave.

Anyway I was glad to get away from him and also get away to the US to live out my dreams. To be in a new country, study new things, new culture, new people, be totally free to manage my life! My first semester felt like sheer bliss. I was enjoying every single thing. I realised along the way that I didn't seem to have done too well socially but it didn't bother me too much. As time passed this feeling seemed to have become more intense. I started changing my ways, what I talked about to try and fit in. I was getting influenced by people liking me or not liking me. I started missing all that was familiar, people who thought I was important to them, my friends and family. I made a big deal out of this in my head, wanting to fit in became so important. The creepy guy's words came back to me and I thought do I have to change who I am to fit in?

You see I have a big ego. Thats what was causing most of this in my head. I realised that it is my time to learn. Learn about new ways of living and dealing with life. My lessons from my old life were becoming stale. They didn't help and inspire me in these new situations. Back home I would be the one who people learnt things from but now it is my turn to learn from people here. Instead of realising and enjoying the freedom I had of being unattached to any preconcieved notions I was trying my best to become attached to everyting possible. So scared of the freedom that I always yearned for. But now it feels fantastic, like an adventure waiting for me. I will draw strength from my past to learn the new from the future. I am free and it feels wonderful. I am open to change and ready to be myself. The only way I can enjoy my freedom is to be myself and keep growing. Perhaps wanting to fit in is not a bad thing, but I prefer to try and hold on to atleast those things whithin me that are valuable to me. Savvy?

I Was A man

Yesterday I felt that I was a man. I don't mean just gender but also physically.
My whole life played out in front of me...but this time I was male.
I saw myself, my body, a boy, a man.
my voice, my looks, my height...
I saw all my relationships unfolding before me. My parents, sisters, friends, prospective girlfriends...
My life experiences unfolding before me
Only this time I was male

Things may not have been very different from as they are now.
But I would have been different.
It made me realise I was lucky to be a woman.
But in a confusing way. I am happy that I am a woman.
Confusing because had I been a man with my character I would have been harder, colder, unreachable, unloving.
Being a woman put pressure on me to be softer, sweeter, loving, caring.
I am now what I am...less cold, more loving, more caring.
But because of the pressure of gender roles. That is not very nice to know.

I have never thought about myself as male or female before. Never looked at the world through male or female before. I am tempted now to say I am lucky to be a woman. But I will not.

I am both female and male. I am neither female nor male.

Philosopher Quotes - WITTGENSTEIN

“Someone who knows too much finds it hard not to lie.”

“The real discovery is the one which enables me to stop doing philosophy when I want to. - The one that gives philosophy peace, so that it is no longer tormented by questions which bring itself into question.”

“If people did not sometimes do silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done”

“Death is not an event in life: we do not live to experience death. If we take eternity to mean not infinite temporal duration but timelessness, then eternal life belongs to those who live in the present.”

“Philosophy is like trying to open a safe with a combination lock: each little adjustment of the dials seems to achieve nothing, only when everything is in place does the door open.”

“Never stay up on the barren heights of cleverness, but come down into the green valleys of silliness.”

“I sit astride life like a bad rider on a horse. I only owe it to the horse's good nature that I am not thrown off at this very moment.”

“(on Sartre) Hell isn't other people. Hell is yourself.”

“At the end of reasons comes persuasion”

“A philosopher who is not taking part in discussions is like a boxer who never goes into the ring”

“A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.”

The Endless River

This choice of life brings with it a lot of sadness of unfinished dreams of purity, freedom and exploration. It brings with it a defeated acceptance of life and all it has to offer. Nirvana, sadness, happiness, people, relationships, love. But what is missing here? It is missing. Depth is missing. Unknown is missing. There is a compromise everybody has made with life at some point or the other but have forgotten it. Some remember, but most of them have forgotten it. And soon I will also forget and get lost in this world and one day I will wake up and find the dreams of my childhood. I will show them the light of the unknown. The light of a place where they can be different. Completely different. No norms, no rules no prefixed path or way of life like the one is lived. What do I mean? Well I mean look at the life of a normal man. He is born, he plays as a child, goes to school for 12years, college for 5 years or so. Then he must work for money and livelihood which in reality he should have no need to work for because everything on earth is for him and everybody. There is more than enough for everybody. How is it that man said this is mine when it was and never is his? And still it is not his as u know very well man is born and dies without a single thing. Then he questions himself as he does through his whole life what is the purpose of my living? Most of the times his answer is to be of help to another person. And that he does and some people do it a lot. Then he dies. But can there be a completely different life? One where there are no words, no definations, no rules, no needs, no pressures, no goals, no money, nothing of what is now. Don’t u think it is time a new life is created god? A completely different life? Has not this life gone on for too long? The mess is ever increasing. The ones who seemed to have found ways of staying away from this life are just waiting for u to send or create a new life. Unconscious frustrations are causing deaths and more hurt. Some of which are conscious. But I think it is time for this life to end. I understand god that u must have some plan, but must this end with so much pain, so much suffereing, so much hurt? Cannot it end peacefully with a thought in everyone’s heart of peace and hope for the light of the unknown? Are we the ones to show the light? Is there any hope for this life to end beautifully? If I am meant to show the light I am ready to do what you please. Because I too want a different life. Don’t give up on me. I am not lost yet.

How much will people do to survive in this life full of hurt and pain. Everybody finds a corner or a log of wood to float on while the river keeps on growing wilder and stormier. So many so many are unable to hold on and pass away. When will this storm end? Why do some people float on unbreakable boats while some barely can hold on to one piece of log? And then they try desperately to hold on to another and another and try to build a raft for themselves. Many manage to do that. But that is all they do. Ultimately they are still flowing with the river towards its end which is the same for all. And many decide to help pthers as they build their own rafts and help others who are struggling to keep their head above the water, up on to their rafts. But there are so many who go under, so many who are crying out for help. What can we do god? We are all being hurled towards the end by this river which becomes increasingly violent. We all must hold our hands as we will meet the end as it comes ahead of us.

A few sentences is all it takes...to change

I read these lines in a book and they really helped me see myself truly. I like to think of 'smell' as a problem i find within myself.

"You dont smell. You have never smelt. It is just your

fear talking. Your fear that once more you will be

rejected. You want to think you smell because that way

you will be able to blame yourself. That way it will

become impossible for anyone to hurt you, because u

have already rejected yourself.

The smell is your only defence your revolt against

powerlessness. But it isn't real. It is no more real

than your defencelessness."

MATRIX...

Here are a few of the meaningful Dialogues that i love from the Matrix movies...

Agent Smith: There is no escaping reason, no denying purpose, because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist.It is purpose that created us. Purpose that connects us. Purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drive us. It is purpose that defines, purpose that binds us.

Agent Smith:Why do you get up, why keep fighting. Do you believe you're fighting for something, for more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is, do you even know? Is it freedom, or truth, perhaps peace, could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson, vagaries of perception. Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose! And all of them as artificial as the matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it Mr. Anderson, you must know it by now. You can't win, it's pointless to keep fighting! Why, Mr. Anderson, why? Why do you persist?

Morpheus: "Everything begins with choice."Merovingian: "No. Wrong. Choice is an illusion, created between those with power, and those without."

Agent Smith: I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet, you are a plague, and we are the cure.

Morpheus: What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.

The Architect: Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.

The Oracle: we cant see past the choices we dont understand

Neo: I know ur out there, I can feel u now, I know that ur afraid. U r afraid of us, U r afraid of change.I dont know the future, I didnt come here to tell u how this is going to end, I came here to tell u how its going to begin. I am going to hang up this phone, and then iam going to show these people what u dont want them to see. I am going to show them the world, without u, a world without rules and controls without borders or boudaries, a world where anything is possible.
Where u go from there is a choice i will leave to u...

Trinity: Dodge this..

Morpheus: welcome to the desert of the real

Agent Smith: Can you hear me, Morpheus? I'm going to be honest with you. I hate this place, this zoo, this prison, this reality, whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell. If there is such a thing. I feel.. saturated by it. I can taste your stink. And every time I do I feel I have somehow been infected by it, it's repulsive. I must get out of here.

Leibniz and the Monads....

Leibniz was (i'd say!) a brilliant Philosopher and Mathematician who came up with the calculus at approximately the same time as Newton. But i like to think of him more as a philosopher for his theories of 'Monads'.
Its a most absurd sounding and abstract theory and one would think that he probably just made it up because he wanted to do something with his time! sitting in his bathtub... and thinking...."hmm... what if the world is made up of monads?" Well the word itself sounds pretty much like what the hell???
Yeah so basically this guy thought that the world is made up of the 'Monads' which are everywhere or rather they are everything. just that too bad for us we cant see them. But wait a minute.... we are also freakin monads. so there ain't no we and them its all Monadsssssss. Kinda like atoms one may say. But DONT YOU DARE IMAGINE MONADS AS ATOMS!!! Cause if u did it would mean you got some extra sensory vision and you managed to see them Monads. But the truth is they are 'imperceptible' to the eye and they are without 'extention' and they do not exist in 'time and space'. Well if you want to know what those big words mean you should just look up the dictionary. Or just ignore them...thats how philosophers get through most of the big books. If you spend time to 'stop and stare' in philosophy then you'll never get anywhere isn't it?
Well I kind of drifted from the point didnt I? Yeah so these Monads says Leibniz must have a reason to exist otherwise whats the point of it all? Just like our lives.... So God is the reason and he ordered the monads to march forward and make your body. And this God is like the best god ever. Cause he can't help but be otherwise so he's like the most perfect being. So obviously the shitty life that you think you are living is in fact the best one you could ever have! Cause God could only make the best world possible!
So lessons to learn from this???
1) Stop cursing life and get on with it cause its awesome and its probably you who dont know it yet.
2) you are the best possible collection of Monads!!!
3) if your monads have a purpose so must you...so believe it
4) We are all monads afterall isn't is??? so no need to nurse that huge ego cause it is nothing really but a bunch of monads like the garbage in your dustbin.
5) Whatever....

well so this guy Leibniz didnt just make up stories you know but gave proper proofs and logical reasoning for all that stuff. so in case he interests you, u can ask me to email you the essay i wrote on him or just google him....