And so I stop here.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
How often I have used the phrase, 'you just don't understand me' or 'you have never understood me' or 'if you understood me, then you wouldn't have...' or 'I don't think anyone will ever understand me'.
Thats a whole bunch of emotions and feeling right there in those few phrases...
- I want to be wanted
- I think I am unique
- Hence kind of arrogant
- Self pity
- Some kind of expectations (good or bad, I don't know)
I am sure there are several more but I cannot think of anymore right now. You can add some too...
But what does it even mean to 'be understood?' Does it mean I have a core personality that the other person must figure out? Does it mean the other person should be able to figure out the causes behind my actions? Does signify a romantic way of understanding the unspoken?
To me it just means one thing. 'You don't understand me the way I want to be understood'.
When you understand me in a certain way, I feel bad about myself. But when you understand me in the way I want to be understood, I feel good about myself.
Why care so much about it and whether people understand you or not? Why is it so essential?
I am happy just to lay in the grass and look up at the sky...maybe?
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Twists and turns
The way water quenches thirst
But that is true
This is not
It is too dark for me to open my eyes
The branches run within me
They essentialize me
But now once more
They want to burst out
I could not convince them
That there is no light outside
They were calm for a while
Am I fooling them or Am I fooled?
And once again they prepare
To tear me apart and break out
Why won't you listen to me?
You can only be safe within me
There is no light outside
It is too late now
I am sorry for hurting
It is only once
That I act
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
So here I am. I went on a little multi-city tour this winter break and I find myself reflecting on my time. I did many things, thought many things, and realized many things. One of my realizations was that my blog has probably become more and more cryptic and abstract and difficult to understand. The possible reasons are that I am scared to write about how I feel in a way that people will actually understand how I feel, and another reason is that I like to believe that what I write need not be public; that is as long as I understand what I write I couldn't care less. But I guess I do need to communicate and hence this post is going to be an attempt at honest and simple sharing. So read on...
I went to Boston-Burlington-Baltimore. Interestingly all Bs. I in fact had made a decision once upon a time that I will do a bike (cycle) tour to all towns and cities in India that start with B. Quite an irrelevant piece of information. Well, I had an excellent time on this trip meeting family and friends and having time for myself.
First is a list of things that sum up my trip
- Slept in a fetal position in the 18 hour train journey from Toledo to Boston. But also sat in the cafe car for most of the time, looking out of the window.
- Met Alex in the cafe car where we talked about how he faces discrimination because of his dreadlocks even though he is white.
- Had a conversation about open spaces and common land in Australia with an old Australian couple, an environmental science student, and a physics student.
- Spilled a whole embarrassing cup of coffee on myself. Thermals saved me from getting a skin burn.
- Drove around Boston, walked through Harvard and saw some MIT buildings.
- Met a family comprising of a white man, woman from India, and two adopted girls from India.
- Sat through the most amazing drive between Boston and Burlington.
- Ate good food and drank red wine everywhere
- Sat through 3 christmas parties
- Met long lost cousins and uncles
- Rode the red line in Boston (metro)
- Made friends with Ace who I never touched. (the cat)
- Understood what it feels like to be told I drink wine too fast and that I drink win too slow.
- Did a lot of futile research for Philadelphia.
- Slept through new year at Baltimore
- Said nothing to anybody on the train back to Toledo
And now somethings I learned, re-learned, realized etc.
I figured it is okay to be restless and unsure about the future because there are so many attractive options and also it motivates me to get work done on time. I shouldn't take things too seriously sometimes.
I was reminded about the wonderful friends I have. Some of my friendships are stronger than my family ties. I am so grateful for them. I will continue to create and keep deep friendships regardless of what people have to say about relationships only being shallow in 'real' life. I am what I am, a caring, loyal, and loving friend. Also brutal, honest, and playful. I can be all this only to few and I am glad and grateful to my friends for allowing me to be all this.
Philosophically I need to be honest with myself about my own beliefs. I realize that I am constantly growing and changing. I should trust my experiences.
I can and will never be a part of any group or gang. I would not want to even if I was and so I should stop trying and instead cherish my friendships.
Toledo is a learning and training ground for me. It is teaching me to be independent, interdependent, and knowledgeable.
My family continues to be my biggest support at all times and I cannot be thankful enough.
So, it has been a fruitful trip and I hope to make such trips regularly throughout my life.