To Belong

Recently, I have been struggling with a deep desire. The desire 'to belong'. The strength of this urge within me reminds me of the relentlessness of the existence of gravity. Feeling the pull of the earth beneath my feet through its rapid, rotational, roamings, and the restlessness of my life form, seem to inexorably pervade my reality. What crude, hippified words does this desire coerce me into using to express what I wish to belong to?

To Belong to a natural space that I am absorbed by
To Belong to a project (despite its futile-passion tendencies)
To Belong to an Environmental NGO or respectable Environmental thinker
To Belong to a community (that values my values)
To Belong to a lover (preferably mine)

What can I make of this desire? Let me start with its history. Is it new? Not really. You probably heard me drifting through the corridors singing, 'I am displaced, I am displaced...' by Azure Ray. How about psycho-analysing this feeling? Perhaps its another ego trip. 'Am I not special? Where is that place where I can find my dreamland, where I am the center, and will remain the center forever?' This may be partially true, undeniably. But I am not fully convinced.

What does it really mean to belong? Our helpful dictionary points us in one direction, "To be in its right place." This reminds me of Adrienne Rich's Politics of Location. To Rich, I am not merely a woman and identified so. But rather I belong to and I am created by the geography, race, caste, sex, political scenario, economic background, caste, facticity (things I cannot change about myself) etc. I suppose these make me and I am made by them. Perhaps I do not feel a sense of belonging, do not truly understand my politics of location because I have been lost in the sky of the abstract. A world of abstract ideas and concepts, where I became oblivious to even my being immanently an Indian and a woman. Feeling like a balloon trapped in an unclosed, container, I have floated away into the sky. Perhaps to escape unfathomable personal experiences.

There is also another sense to this urge to belong. It is a need to blend in, for the sake of others and myself, to create, to communicate. To become a community that cares. Carol Lee Flinders in her book, Values of Belonging explores the value system of human communities before agriculture and the system that has developed in the post-agricultural world. The hunter-gather lifestyle was dependent wholly on the values of belonging to your community which included not just your clan members but nature itself which was not separate the way we perceive it to be now. This is the sense in which I wish to belong as well.

Every damn thing within the ecological systems of the earth have their functional part. What is my part? How can I belong if I do not know my role or the habits I must cultivate to fit into my role? This is how I wish to belong.

Wise words from my mother when I expressed this need to belong;
"Everybody has a time in their life when they feel this urge, this desire, to belong. It is very important during this time to find something/someone you belong to. In time these things change and rigidity begins to creep in. Sometimes it is having a child that quenches this need for belonging because you find someone you want to live for. Rather than they belong to you, you belong to them."

Hmm... time to make 10 children. That makes me belong 9 times more than if I just had 1. Bah! No. Nein. Nahi.

I am going to do nothing for a while and see if belongingness finds me. If I am not lucky enough, can I create the belonged world for me? Perhaps.  

Wind

When the wind blows,

I rejoice.

Someone dies and I,

I laugh into the wind

Sowed Seeds

I spent 7 weeks in California between June and August recently. I decided to learn some farming and so used the WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities for Organic Farming) network and went to two places called WindTree and StillPoint Zen Community Center. After spending most of my time doing this, I spent a week traveling in California and meeting family. Amongst all the activities I performed through this time, some left more impact on me than others. So I decided to write about some of my observations and realizations about something and everything.

Growing: I enjoy working outdoors with my hands and pushing my body to do more. Growing muscles is great, but not as amazing as growing food. There are several stages to growing food, and my favourite was preparing the soil for sowing. We refrained from using machines so I used my hands a lot. Playing with soil is fun!

Forests: Working in forests is unknown to me and I feel lost. I don't think they need to be disturbed.

New Ecologies: It is fantastically unknown and rare to be a part of the beginning of a new ecology after the death of an old one. Bees, flowers, and butterflies are in abundance at newness. Dead burnt trees stood like old pillars of the past, as a new system emerged right at the feet of the burnt majesty.

Mountains: I miss them.

Shovel: It is my favourite tool. I could spend days shoveling...preparing soil, mixing it, making Cob etc.

Ladders: Working on ladders is easier than it looks.

Watering Hoses: Using hoses is not as easy as it looks. Watering often crushes plants along the way. There are many kinds of pipes and hoses that you can use to save water. A great one is a soaker hose which conserves water and does some good deep watering. Top watering consumes a lot of water.

Indigenous Grandmothers: There are 13 indigenous grandmothers on a council. Though there are many more grandmothers in the world. http://www.grandmotherscouncil.org/

Care: I care about situations, not things or beings. I cannot love or hate the environment. It just is. Just like beings. And so I care about situations with boundaries that I set within where I can see interconnections, motivations, consequences, and repercussions. Right now I care about problematic ecological and social situations that seem affected by human beings.

Taking sides: No side can be taken for too long.

Learning Lessons: I need to find a way to combine the practical and the influential. To make sure lessons are learnt simultaneously as solutions are created.

Brahman and Maya: They need to be interchanged. Brahman is the essential Maya and Maya must be made the Brahman.

Birds: It is not easy being winged.

Death: It is close and common. Socrates was right when he said that if you are afraid of death you are being arrogant because you think you know what happens once you die. I choose to apply this to other situations in my life as well.

Goats: Are adorable and frustrating...and hard work. They are domesticated just like humans.

Goodbyes: They are not meant to be sad. If they are extra sad, something is wrong.

Communities: They are a place of fulfillment, action, and motivation. It is very difficult to maintain horizontalness within them

The Pacific Ocean: Is the bluest ocean I have ever seen.

Dirt: Dirt is not dirty. In cities it is. But we forget that dirt is not dirty on a farm, or in a forest.

Vanishing: Is all about yourself in a most selfish manner.

Family: Mine cares. Everywhere.

House: I will build my own house and you are most welcome to come and help me build it. Slowly and soon I wish to move away from the urban life.

Home: There is no home. But temporarily special places may be called home while living there. Once you leave and come back, it is a memory of a home.

Moments: Every moment has only just passed and no matter how aware I was of it, I am never sure if it was just a dream.

Connections: There are special things, people, and places.

Some seeds have been sowed and I can only hope they grow well. I hope they receive just the right amount of water, have good soil, are pruned right, and are harvested at the right time.

Thank you WindTree, Stillpoint Zen, Family in California, and family elsewhere.

Over the Edge

Some like to call it tipping point, others being jolted to their senses. Whatever you might want to call it, it is definitely the best thing that can happen to one such as me. A dreamer who loses herself in her own world while the others keep moving with what they consider reality. Reality that has been affirmed empirically by most individuals through their experiences. There is definitely something amazingly attractive and profound about living in my own dreams. It is a world which is governed by my own rules, has depth and meaning as I give it, and saves me from becoming domesticated. This world of mine helps me keep some of the madness that is necessary for my survival in my interconnected shared empirical life.

But everyday this shared life places burdens on me. Burdens which become heavier and heavier. Sometimes I realize they exist, at other times I forget about them. But I keep bearing these burdens and as they keep growing, I get slowly crushed under them. And just when I think I cannot take it anymore, I receive a big blow. This blow pushes me to the edge and I try to balance myself, only to find that after the required amount of time has passed, the burden tips over and falls over the edge. I awaken. Awaken out of my dreams, and stare at the now naked shared reality. Staring into the eyes of this naked reality gives me the strength I need and adds that extra nutrient that I need as an organism to grow. With that nutrient within me, I am allowed to grow in joy. Soon I float back into my dream world...only this time with new limits to my dreams.

Maybe until the time I am allowed to dream without limits. When madness and intensity will be allowed to stay.

Understanding

How often I have used the phrase, 'you just don't understand me' or 'you have never understood me' or 'if you understood me, then you wouldn't have...' or 'I don't think anyone will ever understand me'.

Thats a whole bunch of emotions and feeling right there in those few phrases...

- I want to be wanted

- I think I am unique

- Hence kind of arrogant

- Self pity

- Some kind of expectations (good or bad, I don't know)

I am sure there are several more but I cannot think of anymore right now. You can add some too...

But what does it even mean to 'be understood?' Does it mean I have a core personality that the other person must figure out? Does it mean the other person should be able to figure out the causes behind my actions? Does signify a romantic way of understanding the unspoken?

To me it just means one thing. 'You don't understand me the way I want to be understood'.

When you understand me in a certain way, I feel bad about myself. But when you understand me in the way I want to be understood, I feel good about myself.

Why care so much about it and whether people understand you or not? Why is it so essential?

I am happy just to lay in the grass and look up at the sky...maybe?