Sunday, March 29, 2009

Being Tough...

Some say
Being tough is good
Some say
Not always, not now
You lose, you lose

Some say
It makes you hard
Some say
You gotta learn
So soon, so soon

Some say
I am a wussy
Some say
I hurt them
Too tough, too tough

Some say
I have changed
Some say
I am pampered
So true, so true

Some say
I need to decide
Some say
I need to decide
You choose, you choose

(Inspired by love lockdown...drumbeats shaking my soul)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Letting Go

Letting go is confusing. For many people let go = give up. I am not sure that's always true. Though there are definitely some situations where you are saying, 'I am letting go' but in reality you are giving up. So what differentiates the two? I guess sometimes you know in your gut that you must let go and trust the process. Whatever the process may mean to you. It could mean time, god or quantum physics. I prefer the word 'surrender' to 'let go'. Surrender also sounds negative but i feel it requires more strength that it requires to keep holding on at times. I guess you just have to listen to your gut to know when to let go when to surrender and when to give up.
I find letting go mostly difficult. Letting go of situations, bad decisions and the past have been easy for me. But letting go of people is tough. Sometimes people move on but you don't. What do you do then? Run after them for awhile and then when it doesn't work you let go. But what if my mind and heart are refusing to let go? I want to let go to be free but I cant stop trying. Is it that I am not willing to surrender? Perhaps. Is it that probably there is some value in holding on even if it hurts? Perhaps. Sometimes persistence wins. I had a friend who absolutely refused to let go of the one she loved even when it seemed clearly to everyone around her that it was time. But she didn't. And that later became the reason why her beloved never wanted to leave her again. She persisted in her love, leaving her ego behind, just driven by her heart. She is inspiring to me. Am I to do the same for the people I love? Am I to not let go? If I do let go perhaps I will be given another chance?

These questions to me always have just one answer. I must do my best and surrender. I think I have done my best and now I am strong enough to surrender and to await the unknown.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Rigidity or Freedom?

There was a curious incident when I was back home in India and about to leave for the US in a few days. I went to the mechanic to get my scooter serviced. While I was waiting there I noticed an old guy sitting besides me. He decided he wanted to talk to me and I see I prefer to try and make it through the day without saying a word (but not always ;-)). Anyway so somehow the conversation reached to my telling him that I was about to leave for the US to study my MA in Philosophy. Then he said something that just made me think, 'this guy is weird'. He told me that he was a professor in the US somewhere and that he was, quoting him, 'very famous'. I said grrreat! Looked at my watch wondering how much longer I would have to listen to him. Oh did I forget to mention he was drunk? Reeking of alcohol I can say. Well moving on, he then decided to say somethings that just made me angry at him. He told me that in order to fit into the American life I would have to become like them. He said, 'If you act like yourself you will never be accepted'. I was like come on I am not known as 'the Rock' for nothing!? By 'the Rock' I don't mean a wrestling champion and nor do I mean that my heart is made of stone. (Nobody calls me 'the Rock' by the way). It just meant that if there was anything about myself I was proud of, it was the fact that I have always been myself and have been strong enough to be myself and also have been open enough to know I need to change when I feel it from within. So with these thoughts racing through my head I decided to just hear him out so that I could run away from him as soon as possible! And then he said somethings that made me think, 'this guy is creepy!'. He wanted me to know that since he was a very good professor, "Girls like you come to my house all the time". Time to leave.

Anyway I was glad to get away from him and also get away to the US to live out my dreams. To be in a new country, study new things, new culture, new people, be totally free to manage my life! My first semester felt like sheer bliss. I was enjoying every single thing. I realised along the way that I didn't seem to have done too well socially but it didn't bother me too much. As time passed this feeling seemed to have become more intense. I started changing my ways, what I talked about to try and fit in. I was getting influenced by people liking me or not liking me. I started missing all that was familiar, people who thought I was important to them, my friends and family. I made a big deal out of this in my head, wanting to fit in became so important. The creepy guy's words came back to me and I thought do I have to change who I am to fit in?

You see I have a big ego. Thats what was causing most of this in my head. I realised that it is my time to learn. Learn about new ways of living and dealing with life. My lessons from my old life were becoming stale. They didn't help and inspire me in these new situations. Back home I would be the one who people learnt things from but now it is my turn to learn from people here. Instead of realising and enjoying the freedom I had of being unattached to any preconcieved notions I was trying my best to become attached to everyting possible. So scared of the freedom that I always yearned for. But now it feels fantastic, like an adventure waiting for me. I will draw strength from my past to learn the new from the future. I am free and it feels wonderful. I am open to change and ready to be myself. The only way I can enjoy my freedom is to be myself and keep growing. Perhaps wanting to fit in is not a bad thing, but I prefer to try and hold on to atleast those things whithin me that are valuable to me. Savvy?

Friday, March 13, 2009


A beautiful song... click above to listen


I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

To The Brothers...

I have been in love with brothers (I don't mean Africans) all my life. Brothers have always played an important role in my life. I love the brother-sister relationship. Something fantastically pure about it. I mean of course all boundaries are breakable but they also break the beauty of things.

I think my first close friend was a brother. I was in school and we kind of grew up together. He made me realise I needed to be more open to people, include them in my life. He taught me how to play Mortal Combat on the computer which my dad banned me from playing. But I still did play it secretly! My first friend my first brother. I found it tough to let him go when times changed and I changed. But his love always stayed with me and I still love him very much. The hours we spent playing games in each others houses and sharing each others lives are things I will always cherish.

The next brother in my life taught me to love. We were the same age. But it took just 4 days for us to realise how close we were to each other. 4 days and 16 years of knowing him. Beautiful times. His short trips to meet us on holidays were all I got. But 4 days were enough for me to see how beautiful and loving he was. His loving and caring nature showed me what love is. Letting him go was the toughest thing I had to do. But keeping him in my heart was the easiest. I miss him terribly when I think of what could have been.

I am not done yet...still got more brothers. This one was the one who gave me all the love and support when I needed it the most. He will complain that he is not my 'blood-brother' and wishes he was. But all I can say to him is that we are closer than many 'real' siblings so quit complaining. As you can see I like to scold this brother of mine. He irritates me like crazy and will also laugh his wonderful laugh when he reads this. I love him even though he is so stubborn. I love him for all he has given to me and for all the quiet times we have shared together. I am always there for him.

Last but not the least is my other amazing brother who I was fortunate enough to spend sometime with before I left home. He is engaged now to a beautiful lady. I was upset more than I thought I would ever be when I realised he was getting engaged without me even knowing that. We clicked immediately even though we had not spent much time together in our lives. I treasure our times together watching animation movies and his crappy easy listening cds. (There was nothing 'easy' about easy listening). I am so glad to have him in my life.

To all the brothers I have written about and not written about I want to say that our relationship is a special one. I want to thank you for everything that you have added to my life. I love you and you bring so much beauty and depth in my life. I treasure your love, care and protection. And now that you know how precious your love is to me, you better make sure it stays forever. Yes it is a serious threat.

Love ya Bros

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I Was A man

Yesterday I felt that I was a man. I don't mean just gender but also physically.
My whole life played out in front of me...but this time I was male.
I saw myself, my body, a boy, a man.
my voice, my looks, my height...
I saw all my relationships unfolding before me. My parents, sisters, friends, prospective girlfriends...
My life experiences unfolding before me
Only this time I was male

Things may not have been very different from as they are now.
But I would have been different.
It made me realise I was lucky to be a woman.
But in a confusing way. I am happy that I am a woman.
Confusing because had I been a man with my character I would have been harder, colder, unreachable, unloving.
Being a woman put pressure on me to be softer, sweeter, loving, caring.
I am now what I am...less cold, more loving, more caring.
But because of the pressure of gender roles. That is not very nice to know.

I have never thought about myself as male or female before. Never looked at the world through male or female before. I am tempted now to say I am lucky to be a woman. But I will not.

I am both female and male. I am neither female nor male.