Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Dread

While you did not speak
A thousand deaths
Reflected
In those eyes

Feeling them
Cold envelopes
My heart
I am filled with dread

But it sublimates
Into arrogance
As unspeaking eyes
Look through the mirror

Death comes rapidly
Species after species
Individuals after individuals
Play after play
Life after life
We take away

Kill! I do not care
Me! Always first
Our blank stares
For you, fleeting cares
Blind consciences
Care without care

(A poem about the death of nature, and our lack of care)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Disturbance

We stood tall
Firmly rooted
Positive strength
Running through us

We were not afraid
Not even thoughtless
Yet we did not know...
Know it all

We displayed ourselves
Enjoying progress
Unknowing and simple
Fun-loving and giving

But when it came upon us
We were shaken
The raging fires
The intense heat

It came closer
We watched us burn
Shattered we felt
Unlikely to recover

Hate and pity
Blank disbelief
Depression and numbness
Fearful cowering
Poignant tears
Defeated attitudes
Broken acceptance
Anxious futility
Skeptical outlooks
Broken dreams
Aimless lingering
Decaying pasts

But as we decayed
We were born again
This time fuller
Useful once again

Believing in ourselves
Good once again
Growing and gathering
Our love and dreams

Strength seeking
Receiving and conceiving
Why did we go through that?
Natural necessity we agreed

We swayed with the wind
Stronger and readier
For the next fire
Our destructor and creator

But in the distance I always see it
The Boundaries are blurred
But I always see it
Its eyes piercing me
Its greed killing me
Maybe its not just an ordinary fire
A fire that consumes me again and again
Just as I consume the fire

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Displaced - Azure Ray


It's just a simple line
I can still hear it all of the time
If i can just hold on tonight
I know that nothing
Nothing survives
Nothing survives
I think i'm turned around
I'm looking up
Not looking down
And when i'm standing still
Watching you run
Watching you fall
Fall into me

Am i making something worthwhile out of this place
Am i making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced
I am displaced

And she's my friend of all friends
She's still here when everyone's gone
She doesn't have to say a thing
We'll just keep laughing all night long
All night long

Am i making something worthwhile out of this place
Am i making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced
I am displaced

It's just a simple line
I can still hear it all of the time
If i can just hold on tonight
I know that no one
No one survives
No one survives.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Your Madness

Its some sort of madness
Oozing out of you
The pores of your skin
Making your hair stand

Its some sort of intensity
Directionless
Poorly contained
Bursting at the seams

Its some sort of craziness
Nothing you created
It is in your eyes
Not a brightness

Each word drops from you
Helplessly disconnected
Each moan escapes from you
Higher than before

New places
Old madness
Directionless
Uncontained

Only a sad tune remains
It plays within you
Parallel, always understanding
All else is left behind

Monday, September 20, 2010

Except Perhaps in Spring

Hesitant footprints in the snow
A white world
Full of promise for the future

A blossoming in Spring
New born
Overflowing loves

A drowning in the rain
The dampening
And cultivation of futures

The burning summer sun
Spoke
Of an unfinished story

And now the beginning of autumn
A time to let go
Like leaves that land softly
Until they are blown elsewhere by winds



Thursday, September 9, 2010

Wind

When the wind blows,
I rejoice.
Someone dies and I,
I laugh into the wind

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Screwed Ups

You are screwed up
Full stop
So am I
Full stop

Coward

Moving away from
A thorny bush
A Memory of
Bloody fingers



Monday, August 9, 2010

Sowed Seeds

I spent 7 weeks in California between June and August recently. I decided to learn some farming and so used the WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities for Organic Farming) network and went to two places called WindTree and StillPoint Zen Community Center. After spending most of my time doing this, I spent a week traveling in California and meeting family. Amongst all the activities I performed through this time, some left more impact on me than others. So I decided to write about some of my observations and realizations about something and everything.

Growing: I enjoy working outdoors with my hands and pushing my body to do more. Growing muscles is great, but not as amazing as growing food. There are several stages to growing food, and my favourite was preparing the soil for sowing. We refrained from using machines so I used my hands a lot. Playing with soil is fun!

Forests: Working in forests is unknown to me and I feel lost. I don't think they need to be disturbed.

New Ecologies: It is fantastically unknown and rare to be a part of the beginning of a new ecology after the death of an old one. Bees, flowers, and butterflies are in abundance at newness. Dead burnt trees stood like old pillars of the past, as a new system emerged right at the feet of the burnt majesty.

Mountains: I miss them.

Shovel: It is my favourite tool. I could spend days shoveling...preparing soil, mixing it, making Cob etc.

Ladders: Working on ladders is easier than it looks.

Watering Hoses: Using hoses is not as easy as it looks. Watering often crushes plants along the way. There are many kinds of pipes and hoses that you can use to save water. A great one is a soaker hose which conserves water and does some good deep watering. Top watering consumes a lot of water.

Indigenous Grandmothers: There are 13 indigenous grandmothers on a council. Though there are many more grandmothers in the world. http://www.grandmotherscouncil.org/

Care: I care about situations, not things or beings. I cannot love or hate the environment. It just is. Just like beings. And so I care about situations with boundaries that I set within where I can see interconnections, motivations, consequences, and repercussions. Right now I care about problematic ecological and social situations that seem affected by human beings.

Taking sides: No side can be taken for too long.

Learning Lessons: I need to find a way to combine the practical and the influential. To make sure lessons are learnt simultaneously as solutions are created.

Brahman and Maya: They need to be interchanged. Brahman is the essential Maya and Maya must be made the Brahman.

Birds: It is not easy being winged.

Death: It is close and common. Socrates was right when he said that if you are afraid of death you are being arrogant because you think you know what happens once you die. I choose to apply this to other situations in my life as well.

Goats: Are adorable and frustrating...and hard work. They are domesticated just like humans.

Goodbyes: They are not meant to be sad. If they are extra sad, something is wrong.

Communities: They are a place of fulfillment, action, and motivation. It is very difficult to maintain horizontalness within them

The Pacific Ocean: Is the bluest ocean I have ever seen.

Dirt: Dirt is not dirty. In cities it is. But we forget that dirt is not dirty on a farm, or in a forest.

Vanishing: Is all about yourself in a most selfish manner.

Family: Mine cares. Everywhere.

House: I will build my own house and you are most welcome to come and help me build it. Slowly and soon I wish to move away from the urban life.

Home: There is no home. But temporarily special places may be called home while living there. Once you leave and come back, it is a memory of a home.

Moments: Every moment has only just passed and no matter how aware I was of it, I am never sure if it was just a dream.

Connections: There are special things, people, and places.

Some seeds have been sowed and I can only hope they grow well. I hope they receive just the right amount of water, have good soil, are pruned right, and are harvested at the right time.
Thank you WindTree, Stillpoint Zen, Family in California, and family elsewhere.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Watermelon Man

You tease me with your ways
Abrupt and startling
I open my eyes thinking
I know what lies ahead
Never is it what I think

You show me a beginning
And create the end
Before I realize I am there
Every moment has just passed
Only existing as replay

Allow me to reach the core
Tackle the obstructions
How do I find and embrace
If I know not what I search for?

Unfortunately (for you) I've learnt
To live with your ways
Not to dwell too long
To enjoy the funk

Watermelon man,
You are quite enjoyable
Don't ask me to love you
Don't ask me to hate you

Hint: Watermelon man = Life

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Over the Edge

Some like to call it tipping point, others being jolted to their senses. Whatever you might want to call it, it is definitely the best thing that can happen to one such as me. A dreamer who loses herself in her own world while the others keep moving with what they consider reality. Reality that has been affirmed empirically by most individuals through their experiences. There is definitely something amazingly attractive and profound about living in my own dreams. It is a world which is governed by my own rules, has depth and meaning as I give it, and saves me from becoming domesticated. This world of mine helps me keep some of the madness that is necessary for my survival in my interconnected shared empirical life.

But everyday this shared life places burdens on me. Burdens which become heavier and heavier. Sometimes I realize they exist, at other times I forget about them. But I keep bearing these burdens and as they keep growing, I get slowly crushed under them. And just when I think I cannot take it anymore, I receive a big blow. This blow pushes me to the edge and I try to balance myself, only to find that after the required amount of time has passed, the burden tips over and falls over the edge. I awaken. Awaken out of my dreams, and stare at the now naked shared reality. Staring into the eyes of this naked reality gives me the strength I need and adds that extra nutrient that I need as an organism to grow. With that nutrient within me, I am allowed to grow in joy. Soon I float back into my dream world...only this time with new limits to my dreams.

Maybe until the time I am allowed to dream without limits. When madness and intensity will be allowed to stay.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Presence

Soft steps
In the corridor
The corner
It was occupied
But you didn't see

A silence
Some presence
A melting away
It faded away
But you didn't know

Look again
The corner
The corridor
A faint memory
But you cant grasp it

I looked
All I found was
Self pity


Control

Don't

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Imbalanced Connections

Life appears to be a movement between two extremes and the constant struggle to find balance. There are so many kinds of extremes;

Happiness-Sadness
Personal dreams-Societal demands
My opinions-Your opinions
My life-Your life
Home-Evey other place
Respect-Rejection
Knowledge-Ignorance
Work-Play
Idle-Busy

There are so many more extremes that seem to dominate life. But the reality is in the fact that conflict arises because of creating these dualities. The wider my eyes open I find there is nothing but a vast web of interlocking, interdependent connections and relationships. Some relationships more important than others at different times. All these dualisms have been proved to be utter nonsense in my life. They are simultaneously existing at all times in relations to so many other aspects, and if you think life is about finding balance, think again.

Happiness and sadness affect us so much. Today I am happy, and tomorrow I am sad. I do not complain when I am happy but I am aware I might lose this happiness very soon. Tomorrow when I feel sad I cannot wait for it to pass. And when I perceive the two days separately, I think to myself, 'I need balance' so that neither happiness nor sadness affect me. But that cannot be true, because at all times, happiness and sadness exist together. I have observed my life and found that every happy event is accompanied at all times by some sad event. The degree of sadness and happiness may vary, but you cannot separate the two. They are part of a web.

Another one of my lessons that I have learnt has been regarding my personal problems versus the world's problems. How often have I heard that 'when you compare your own personal problems with the world's problems, you will find that they become insignificant'. 'Looking up at the stars you realize how small you are'. This seems like the worst advice you can give someone. My problems are not insignificant. They are a part of this web of interconnections which is connected to all the world problems. I can only simultaneously work on both together. My problems are not outside of the web of other problems. They will never be completely resolved and nor will the world's problems. They have to co-exist and will warrant equal attention.

Deconstructing the global and local is also very important. The local and global are interconnected at all times. The web only grows more or less intricate depending on how far or near it you are. The closer you go, the local seems to swallow you up. It is up to me, how far I want to go or how near I want to go. It is up to me what part of this web I want to focus on.

I guess life is about understanding the interconnections within which we all exist and participate. The smooth functioning of this web is all we can hope and strive for.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Facticity

"That was not me
And this is not me"
Conscious or
Unconscious
It has not left me

But while I walk
Heavy monsoon air
The wet breeze
The timid sun
I am not a criminal

I forget and yet,
I cannot forgive

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Shifting Gears

Shifting gears finally
From me to you
In the web
That is us.


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Memories of You

Today as I heard the music,
I was reminded of you.
Of your hips swaying,
Like water smoothly flowing.

Joy and naughtiness
On your beautiful face.

For You - Valentine's day Love Poem

Why is today special?


Everyday I see you,

I feel care

Care for your now and before and after

I feel longing

Longing for your care and caress

I feel pain

Pain that I break my heart everyday

I feel resignation

Resignation at never getting a chance.

All this I feel, everyday.

Why do I care?

Even though I know what you feel

Why do I care?

Despite knowing how it will be


I know even if you would give us a chance

It would be painful and tiring

Sadness and hurt

For me and

You

And yet here I am once again

On a gloomy sunday

Wanting to show you how I feel

Waiting for your sweet care

To lie in your arms

Even if it is just for a day, an hour, a minute.


And yet as I write and send this I know

Today I want to tell you about my love

I will not take anything or want anything

Tomorrow I will be your friend again

Today the sun will set again

Another day will have passed

With the shadows of the emotions it had cast

Tomorrow I will speak to you again

Just as a friend you will approach me

And I will gladly accept it for the best

Because I can only care for you

Only always understand.


The sun has set and with it

So has my longing


Why is today special?

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Relationships

If there is anyone you could call naive, its me as far as 'worldly' relationships go. Who says I am naive? Well you guessed that right, the world. A vicious circle indeed. The world might probably call me naive for even writing about relationships...but to that I just say...

Get lost.

Seeing as I am going through adolescence now rather than a few years ago, it is quite appropriate and fitting that I should be thinking about these matters like relationships now. Though I have heard its a life long thing. But I am guessing I will probably revert to my old ways of not giving a damn about them, eventually as the novelty of this topic wears out in my life.

So getting to the point, relationships. What can I say? They come in all shapes, sizes, and colours. Whoa wait a minute, I am not talking about the people in the relationships. I mean relationships themselves. They are so varied. Of course now others might say, nah not really. They're all just power struggles. To them I say, it got its pros and cons buddy. And if I love someone who doesn't even know I care, I win immediately! Power to me! But I like to believe that relationships are of all kinds and my life experiences affirm that. It is not a surprise since we are all interconnected in a web of relationships, where each connection is unique (with no positive connotation).

Now in this web of connections I give more importance to certain connections than others, and these connections I call relationships. In my life I have given importance to the following kinds of relationships;
1) Brothers
2) Sisters
3) Friends who I can be mean to
4) Romantic partners/Prospective romantic partners
5) Unnameable relationships

I love my brothers. I love my sisters. It is very simple. When I say simple it doesn't mean that my love is always returned. It just means that it is easy to come to terms with unrequited love in this senario.

Friends, yes it is mostly simple too but not as much as the above. For someone like me who can really create meaningful friendships with only 1 or 2 people every 2 years, it is not so simple. But once again, the beauty of friendships is, low expectations and therefore lower chances of feeling the pain of unrequited love

What can I say about the simplicity of the relationships with romantic partners? I can't say anything actually because there is no 'simplicity'. Though I was once a believer in simple romance. Sometimes I wonder if unrequited love is just as hurtful when coming from your partner or a prospective partner. I find both equally painful. Lets just say restless nights and days are endless. Sometimes it feels like a punishment for being naive. But its does great wonders if like me you suffer from a big ego. Neither giving is easy nor is taking in these relationships.

The unnameable relationships are usually those where I feel a connection with someone but there is no past, no reason, and no future. Its usually mostly fulfilled in the present. It doesn't desire much and so is very often the simplest and most fulfilling of all. Its normal in the sense that it passes through your like any other occurrence. I guess its an occurrence, but with meaningful impact. The only pain is when either me or the other person does not see that it is an unnameable relationship. Or when I try to twist a normal relationship into an unnameable relationship for the romantic purposes of my brain.

Having gone through the list, I find that knowledge does not suffice. I am hoping that the 'imaginary' gap between my knowledge and my actions can be bridged. I cannot help but add a small verse at the end to express my emotions...

Am I sick,
Because of broken dreams?
Am I swayed,
Because of the love games?
Of the heart.
Of the past.
But there is a break, along the way
There I will reach, once I am ready.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Thought

Too much of it
And so I stop here.

Growing

How can you learn to fly
If you cannot leave the nest?
The time is coming closer
I am well fed.
Perhaps...

Adolescence

I thought it had passed
But it had never been here.
Growing backwards in its
Prolonged presence.
I offer my prayers.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Understanding

How often I have used the phrase, 'you just don't understand me' or 'you have never understood me' or 'if you understood me, then you wouldn't have...' or 'I don't think anyone will ever understand me'.
Thats a whole bunch of emotions and feeling right there in those few phrases...
- I want to be wanted
- I think I am unique
- Hence kind of arrogant
- Self pity
- Some kind of expectations (good or bad, I don't know)
I am sure there are several more but I cannot think of anymore right now. You can add some too...

But what does it even mean to 'be understood?' Does it mean I have a core personality that the other person must figure out? Does it mean the other person should be able to figure out the causes behind my actions? Does signify a romantic way of understanding the unspoken?

To me it just means one thing. 'You don't understand me the way I want to be understood'.

When you understand me in a certain way, I feel bad about myself. But when you understand me in the way I want to be understood, I feel good about myself.

Why care so much about it and whether people understand you or not? Why is it so essential?

I am happy just to lay in the grass and look up at the sky...maybe?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Heart

Fooled again
Twists and turns
Satisfied?
The way water quenches thirst
But that is true
This is not

It is too dark for me to open my eyes
The branches run within me
They essentialize me
But now once more
They want to burst out
I could not convince them
That there is no light outside

They were calm for a while
Am I fooling them or Am I fooled?
And once again they prepare
To tear me apart and break out
Why won't you listen to me?
You can only be safe within me
There is no light outside
It is too late now
I am sorry for hurting

It is only once
That I act
For now
Let me
For me

Monday, January 4, 2010

The Trip - Dec 2009

So here I am. I went on a little multi-city tour this winter break and I find myself reflecting on my time. I did many things, thought many things, and realized many things. One of my realizations was that my blog has probably become more and more cryptic and abstract and difficult to understand. The possible reasons are that I am scared to write about how I feel in a way that people will actually understand how I feel, and another reason is that I like to believe that what I write need not be public; that is as long as I understand what I write I couldn't care less. But I guess I do need to communicate and hence this post is going to be an attempt at honest and simple sharing. So read on...

I went to Boston-Burlington-Baltimore. Interestingly all Bs. I in fact had made a decision once upon a time that I will do a bike (cycle) tour to all towns and cities in India that start with B. Quite an irrelevant piece of information. Well, I had an excellent time on this trip meeting family and friends and having time for myself.

First is a list of things that sum up my trip
  1. Slept in a fetal position in the 18 hour train journey from Toledo to Boston. But also sat in the cafe car for most of the time, looking out of the window.
  2. Met Alex in the cafe car where we talked about how he faces discrimination because of his dreadlocks even though he is white.
  3. Had a conversation about open spaces and common land in Australia with an old Australian couple, an environmental science student, and a physics student.
  4. Spilled a whole embarrassing cup of coffee on myself. Thermals saved me from getting a skin burn.
  5. Drove around Boston, walked through Harvard and saw some MIT buildings.
  6. Met a family comprising of a white man, woman from India, and two adopted girls from India.
  7. Sat through the most amazing drive between Boston and Burlington.
  8. Ate good food and drank red wine everywhere
  9. Sat through 3 christmas parties
  10. Met long lost cousins and uncles
  11. Rode the red line in Boston (metro)
  12. Made friends with Ace who I never touched. (the cat)
  13. Understood what it feels like to be told I drink wine too fast and that I drink win too slow.
  14. Did a lot of futile research for Philadelphia.
  15. Slept through new year at Baltimore
  16. Said nothing to anybody on the train back to Toledo
And now somethings I learned, re-learned, realized etc.

I figured it is okay to be restless and unsure about the future because there are so many attractive options and also it motivates me to get work done on time. I shouldn't take things too seriously sometimes.
I was reminded about the wonderful friends I have. Some of my friendships are stronger than my family ties. I am so grateful for them. I will continue to create and keep deep friendships regardless of what people have to say about relationships only being shallow in 'real' life. I am what I am, a caring, loyal, and loving friend. Also brutal, honest, and playful. I can be all this only to few and I am glad and grateful to my friends for allowing me to be all this.
Philosophically I need to be honest with myself about my own beliefs. I realize that I am constantly growing and changing. I should trust my experiences.
I can and will never be a part of any group or gang. I would not want to even if I was and so I should stop trying and instead cherish my friendships.
Toledo is a learning and training ground for me. It is teaching me to be independent, interdependent, and knowledgeable.
My family continues to be my biggest support at all times and I cannot be thankful enough.

So, it has been a fruitful trip and I hope to make such trips regularly throughout my life.