Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I Was A man

Yesterday I felt that I was a man. I don't mean just gender but also physically.
My whole life played out in front of me...but this time I was male.
I saw myself, my body, a boy, a man.
my voice, my looks, my height...
I saw all my relationships unfolding before me. My parents, sisters, friends, prospective girlfriends...
My life experiences unfolding before me
Only this time I was male

Things may not have been very different from as they are now.
But I would have been different.
It made me realise I was lucky to be a woman.
But in a confusing way. I am happy that I am a woman.
Confusing because had I been a man with my character I would have been harder, colder, unreachable, unloving.
Being a woman put pressure on me to be softer, sweeter, loving, caring.
I am now what I am...less cold, more loving, more caring.
But because of the pressure of gender roles. That is not very nice to know.

I have never thought about myself as male or female before. Never looked at the world through male or female before. I am tempted now to say I am lucky to be a woman. But I will not.

I am both female and male. I am neither female nor male.