Memories of You

Today as I heard the music,

I was reminded of you.

Of your hips swaying,

Like water smoothly flowing.

Joy and naughtiness

On your beautiful face.

http://museke.com/en/node/23

For You - Valentine's day Love Poem

Why is today special?

Everyday I see you,

I feel care

Care for your now and before and after

I feel longing

Longing for your care and caress

I feel pain

Pain that I break my heart everyday

I feel resignation

Resignation at never getting a chance.

All this I feel, everyday.

Why do I care?

Even though I know what you feel

Why do I care?

Despite knowing how it will be

I know even if you would give us a chance

It would be painful and tiring

Sadness and hurt

For me and

You

And yet here I am once again

On a gloomy sunday

Wanting to show you how I feel

Waiting for your sweet care

To lie in your arms

Even if it is just for a day, an hour, a minute.

And yet as I write and send this I know

Today I want to tell you about my love

I will not take anything or want anything

Tomorrow I will be your friend again

Today the sun will set again

Another day will have passed

With the shadows of the emotions it had cast

Tomorrow I will speak to you again

Just as a friend you will approach me

And I will gladly accept it for the best

Because I can only care for you

Only always understand.

The sun has set and with it

So has my longing

Why is today special?

Relationships

If there is anyone you could call naive, its me as far as 'worldly' relationships go. Who says I am naive? Well you guessed that right, the world. A vicious circle indeed. The world might probably call me naive for even writing about relationships...but to that I just say...

Get lost.

Seeing as I am going through adolescence now rather than a few years ago, it is quite appropriate and fitting that I should be thinking about these matters like relationships now. Though I have heard its a life long thing. But I am guessing I will probably revert to my old ways of not giving a damn about them, eventually as the novelty of this topic wears out in my life.

So getting to the point, relationships. What can I say? They come in all shapes, sizes, and colours. Whoa wait a minute, I am not talking about the people in the relationships. I mean relationships themselves. They are so varied. Of course now others might say, nah not really. They're all just power struggles. To them I say, it got its pros and cons buddy. And if I love someone who doesn't even know I care, I win immediately! Power to me! But I like to believe that relationships are of all kinds and my life experiences affirm that. It is not a surprise since we are all interconnected in a web of relationships, where each connection is unique (with no positive connotation).

Now in this web of connections I give more importance to certain connections than others, and these connections I call relationships. In my life I have given importance to the following kinds of relationships;

1) Brothers

2) Sisters

3) Friends who I can be mean to

4) Romantic partners/Prospective romantic partners

5) Unnameable relationships

I love my brothers. I love my sisters. It is very simple. When I say simple it doesn't mean that my love is always returned. It just means that it is easy to come to terms with unrequited love in this senario.

Friends, yes it is mostly simple too but not as much as the above. For someone like me who can really create meaningful friendships with only 1 or 2 people every 2 years, it is not so simple. But once again, the beauty of friendships is, low expectations and therefore lower chances of feeling the pain of unrequited love

What can I say about the simplicity of the relationships with romantic partners? I can't say anything actually because there is no 'simplicity'. Though I was once a believer in simple romance. Sometimes I wonder if unrequited love is just as hurtful when coming from your partner or a prospective partner. I find both equally painful. Lets just say restless nights and days are endless. Sometimes it feels like a punishment for being naive. But its does great wonders if like me you suffer from a big ego. Neither giving is easy nor is taking in these relationships.

The unnameable relationships are usually those where I feel a connection with someone but there is no past, no reason, and no future. Its usually mostly fulfilled in the present. It doesn't desire much and so is very often the simplest and most fulfilling of all. Its normal in the sense that it passes through your like any other occurrence. I guess its an occurrence, but with meaningful impact. The only pain is when either me or the other person does not see that it is an unnameable relationship. Or when I try to twist a normal relationship into an unnameable relationship for the romantic purposes of my brain.

Having gone through the list, I find that knowledge does not suffice. I am hoping that the 'imaginary' gap between my knowledge and my actions can be bridged. I cannot help but add a small verse at the end to express my emotions...

Am I sick,

Because of broken dreams?

Am I swayed,

Because of the love games?

Of the heart.

Of the past.

But there is a break, along the way

There I will reach, once I am ready.

Thought

Too much of it

And so I stop here.

Growing

How can you learn to fly

If you cannot leave the nest?

The time is coming closer

I am well fed.

Perhaps...

Adolescence

I thought it had passed

But it had never been here.

Growing backwards in its

Prolonged presence.

I offer my prayers.

Understanding

How often I have used the phrase, 'you just don't understand me' or 'you have never understood me' or 'if you understood me, then you wouldn't have...' or 'I don't think anyone will ever understand me'.

Thats a whole bunch of emotions and feeling right there in those few phrases...

- I want to be wanted

- I think I am unique

- Hence kind of arrogant

- Self pity

- Some kind of expectations (good or bad, I don't know)

I am sure there are several more but I cannot think of anymore right now. You can add some too...

But what does it even mean to 'be understood?' Does it mean I have a core personality that the other person must figure out? Does it mean the other person should be able to figure out the causes behind my actions? Does signify a romantic way of understanding the unspoken?

To me it just means one thing. 'You don't understand me the way I want to be understood'.

When you understand me in a certain way, I feel bad about myself. But when you understand me in the way I want to be understood, I feel good about myself.

Why care so much about it and whether people understand you or not? Why is it so essential?

I am happy just to lay in the grass and look up at the sky...maybe?

Heart

Fooled again

Twists and turns

Satisfied?

The way water quenches thirst

But that is true

This is not

It is too dark for me to open my eyes

The branches run within me

They essentialize me

But now once more

They want to burst out

I could not convince them

That there is no light outside

They were calm for a while

Am I fooling them or Am I fooled?

And once again they prepare

To tear me apart and break out

Why won't you listen to me?

You can only be safe within me

There is no light outside

It is too late now

I am sorry for hurting

It is only once

That I act

For now

Let me

For me

My Dream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBP8sJpxL5A&feature=fvw

The Trip - Dec 2009

So here I am. I went on a little multi-city tour this winter break and I find myself reflecting on my time. I did many things, thought many things, and realized many things. One of my realizations was that my blog has probably become more and more cryptic and abstract and difficult to understand. The possible reasons are that I am scared to write about how I feel in a way that people will actually understand how I feel, and another reason is that I like to believe that what I write need not be public; that is as long as I understand what I write I couldn't care less. But I guess I do need to communicate and hence this post is going to be an attempt at honest and simple sharing. So read on...

I went to Boston-Burlington-Baltimore. Interestingly all Bs. I in fact had made a decision once upon a time that I will do a bike (cycle) tour to all towns and cities in India that start with B. Quite an irrelevant piece of information. Well, I had an excellent time on this trip meeting family and friends and having time for myself.

First is a list of things that sum up my trip

1. Slept in a fetal position in the 18 hour train journey from Toledo to Boston. But also sat in the cafe car for most of the time, looking out of the window.
2. Met Alex in the cafe car where we talked about how he faces discrimination because of his dreadlocks even though he is white.
3. Had a conversation about open spaces and common land in Australia with an old Australian couple, an environmental science student, and a physics student.
4. Spilled a whole embarrassing cup of coffee on myself. Thermals saved me from getting a skin burn.
5. Drove around Boston, walked through Harvard and saw some MIT buildings.
6. Met a family comprising of a white man, woman from India, and two adopted girls from India.
7. Sat through the most amazing drive between Boston and Burlington.
8. Ate good food and drank red wine everywhere
9. Sat through 3 christmas parties
10. Met long lost cousins and uncles
11. Rode the red line in Boston (metro)
12. Made friends with Ace who I never touched. (the cat)
13. Understood what it feels like to be told I drink wine too fast and that I drink win too slow.
14. Did a lot of futile research for Philadelphia.
15. Slept through new year at Baltimore
16. Said nothing to anybody on the train back to Toledo

And now somethings I learned, re-learned, realized etc.

I figured it is okay to be restless and unsure about the future because there are so many attractive options and also it motivates me to get work done on time. I shouldn't take things too seriously sometimes.

I was reminded about the wonderful friends I have. Some of my friendships are stronger than my family ties. I am so grateful for them. I will continue to create and keep deep friendships regardless of what people have to say about relationships only being shallow in 'real' life. I am what I am, a caring, loyal, and loving friend. Also brutal, honest, and playful. I can be all this only to few and I am glad and grateful to my friends for allowing me to be all this.

Philosophically I need to be honest with myself about my own beliefs. I realize that I am constantly growing and changing. I should trust my experiences.

I can and will never be a part of any group or gang. I would not want to even if I was and so I should stop trying and instead cherish my friendships.

Toledo is a learning and training ground for me. It is teaching me to be independent, interdependent, and knowledgeable.

My family continues to be my biggest support at all times and I cannot be thankful enough.

So, it has been a fruitful trip and I hope to make such trips regularly throughout my life.