Some say
Being tough is good
Some say
Not always, not now
You lose, you lose
Some say
It makes you hard
Some say
You gotta learn
So soon, so soon
Some say
I am a wussy
Some say
I hurt them
Too tough, too tough
Some say
I have changed
Some say
I am pampered
So true, so true
Some say
I need to decide
Some say
I need to decide
You choose, you choose
(Inspired by love lockdown...drumbeats shaking my soul)
29 March, 2009
23 March, 2009
Letting Go
Letting go is confusing. For many people let go = give up. I am not sure that's always true. Though there are definitely some situations where you are saying, 'I am letting go' but in reality you are giving up. So what differentiates the two? I guess sometimes you know in your gut that you must let go and trust the process. Whatever the process may mean to you. It could mean time, god or quantum physics. I prefer the word 'surrender' to 'let go'. Surrender also sounds negative but i feel it requires more strength that it requires to keep holding on at times. I guess you just have to listen to your gut to know when to let go when to surrender and when to give up.
I find letting go mostly difficult. Letting go of situations, bad decisions and the past have been easy for me. But letting go of people is tough. Sometimes people move on but you don't. What do you do then? Run after them for awhile and then when it doesn't work you let go. But what if my mind and heart are refusing to let go? I want to let go to be free but I cant stop trying. Is it that I am not willing to surrender? Perhaps. Is it that probably there is some value in holding on even if it hurts? Perhaps. Sometimes persistence wins. I had a friend who absolutely refused to let go of the one she loved even when it seemed clearly to everyone around her that it was time. But she didn't. And that later became the reason why her beloved never wanted to leave her again. She persisted in her love, leaving her ego behind, just driven by her heart. She is inspiring to me. Am I to do the same for the people I love? Am I to not let go? If I do let go perhaps I will be given another chance?
These questions to me always have just one answer. I must do my best and surrender. I think I have done my best and now I am strong enough to surrender and to await the unknown.
I find letting go mostly difficult. Letting go of situations, bad decisions and the past have been easy for me. But letting go of people is tough. Sometimes people move on but you don't. What do you do then? Run after them for awhile and then when it doesn't work you let go. But what if my mind and heart are refusing to let go? I want to let go to be free but I cant stop trying. Is it that I am not willing to surrender? Perhaps. Is it that probably there is some value in holding on even if it hurts? Perhaps. Sometimes persistence wins. I had a friend who absolutely refused to let go of the one she loved even when it seemed clearly to everyone around her that it was time. But she didn't. And that later became the reason why her beloved never wanted to leave her again. She persisted in her love, leaving her ego behind, just driven by her heart. She is inspiring to me. Am I to do the same for the people I love? Am I to not let go? If I do let go perhaps I will be given another chance?
These questions to me always have just one answer. I must do my best and surrender. I think I have done my best and now I am strong enough to surrender and to await the unknown.
17 March, 2009
Rigidity or Freedom?
There was a curious incident when I was back home in India and about to leave for the US in a few days. I went to the mechanic to get my scooter serviced. While I was waiting there I noticed an old guy sitting besides me. He decided he wanted to talk to me and I obliged...you see I prefer to try and make it through the day without saying a word (but not always ;-)). Anyway so somehow the conversation reached to my telling him that I was about to leave for the US to study my MA in Philosophy. Then he said something that just made me think, 'this guy is weird'. He told me that he was a professor in the US somewhere and that he was, quoting him, 'very famous'. I said grrreat! Looked at my watch wondering how much longer I would have to listen to him. Oh did I forget to mention he was drunk? Reeking of alcohol I can say. Well moving on, he then decided to say somethings that just made me angry at him. He told me that in order to fit into the American life I would have to become like them. He said, 'If you act like yourself you will never be accepted'. I was like come on I am not known as 'the Rock' for nothing!? By 'the Rock' I don't mean a wrestling champion and nor do I mean that my heart is made of stone. (Nobody calls me 'the Rock' by the way). It just meant that if there was anything about myself I was proud of, it was the fact that I have always been myself and have been strong enough to be myself and also have been open enough to know I need to change when I feel it from within. So with these thoughts racing through my head I decided to just hear him out so that I could run away from him as soon as possible! And then he said somethings that made me think, 'this guy is creepy!'. He wanted me to know that since he was a very good professor, "Girls like you come to my house all the time". Time to leave.
Anyway I was glad to get away from him and also get away to the US to live out my dreams. To be in a new country, study new things, new culture, new people, be totally free to manage my life! My first semester felt like sheer bliss. I was enjoying every single thing. I realised along the way that I didn't seem to have done too well socially but it didn't bother me too much. As time passed this feeling seemed to have become more intense. I started changing my ways, what I talked about to try and fit in. I was getting influenced by people liking me or not liking me. I started missing all that was familiar, people who thought I was important to them, my friends and family. I made a big deal out of this in my head, wanting to fit in became so important. The creepy guy's words came back to me and I thought do I have to change who I am to fit in?
You see I have a big ego. Thats what was causing most of this in my head. I realised that it is my time to learn. Learn about new ways of living and dealing with life. My lessons from my old life were becoming stale. They didn't help and inspire me in these new situations. Back home I would be the one who people learnt things from but now it is my turn to learn from people here. Instead of realising and enjoying the freedom I had of being unattached to any preconcieved notions I was trying my best to become attached to everyting possible. So scared of the freedom that I always yearned for. But now it feels fantastic, like an adventure waiting for me. I will draw strength from my past to learn the new from the future. I am free and it feels wonderful. I am open to change and ready to be myself. The only way I can enjoy my freedom is to be myself and keep growing. Perhaps wanting to fit in is not a bad thing, but I prefer to try and hold on to atleast those things whithin me that are valuable to me. Savvy?
Anyway I was glad to get away from him and also get away to the US to live out my dreams. To be in a new country, study new things, new culture, new people, be totally free to manage my life! My first semester felt like sheer bliss. I was enjoying every single thing. I realised along the way that I didn't seem to have done too well socially but it didn't bother me too much. As time passed this feeling seemed to have become more intense. I started changing my ways, what I talked about to try and fit in. I was getting influenced by people liking me or not liking me. I started missing all that was familiar, people who thought I was important to them, my friends and family. I made a big deal out of this in my head, wanting to fit in became so important. The creepy guy's words came back to me and I thought do I have to change who I am to fit in?
You see I have a big ego. Thats what was causing most of this in my head. I realised that it is my time to learn. Learn about new ways of living and dealing with life. My lessons from my old life were becoming stale. They didn't help and inspire me in these new situations. Back home I would be the one who people learnt things from but now it is my turn to learn from people here. Instead of realising and enjoying the freedom I had of being unattached to any preconcieved notions I was trying my best to become attached to everyting possible. So scared of the freedom that I always yearned for. But now it feels fantastic, like an adventure waiting for me. I will draw strength from my past to learn the new from the future. I am free and it feels wonderful. I am open to change and ready to be myself. The only way I can enjoy my freedom is to be myself and keep growing. Perhaps wanting to fit in is not a bad thing, but I prefer to try and hold on to atleast those things whithin me that are valuable to me. Savvy?
13 March, 2009
Landslide
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhNrrrCCTdA&feature=related
A beautiful song... click above to listen
Landslide
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too
Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down
A beautiful song... click above to listen
Landslide
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too
Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down
10 March, 2009
To The Brothers...
I have been in love with brothers (I don't mean Africans) all my life. Brothers have always played an important role in my life. I love the brother-sister relationship. Something fantastically pure about it. I mean of course all boundaries are breakable but they also break the beauty of things.
I think my first close friend was a brother. I was in school and we kind of grew up together. He made me realise I needed to be more open to people, include them in my life. He taught me how to play Mortal Combat on the computer which my dad banned me from playing. But I still did play it secretly! My first friend my first brother. I found it tough to let him go when times changed and I changed. But his love always stayed with me and I still love him very much. The hours we spent playing games in each others houses and sharing each others lives are things I will always cherish.
The next brother in my life taught me to love. We were the same age. But it took just 4 days for us to realise how close we were to each other. 4 days and 16 years of knowing him. Beautiful times. His short trips to meet us on holidays were all I got. But 4 days were enough for me to see how beautiful and loving he was. His loving and caring nature showed me what love is. Letting him go was the toughest thing I had to do. But keeping him in my heart was the easiest. I miss him terribly when I think of what could have been.
I am not done yet...still got more brothers. This one was the one who gave me all the love and support when I needed it the most. He will complain that he is not my 'blood-brother' and wishes he was. But all I can say to him is that we are closer than many 'real' siblings so quit complaining. As you can see I like to scold this brother of mine. He irritates me like crazy and will also laugh his wonderful laugh when he reads this. I love him even though he is so stubborn. I love him for all he has given to me and for all the quiet times we have shared together. I am always there for him.
Last but not the least is my other amazing brother who I was fortunate enough to spend sometime with before I left home. He is engaged now to a beautiful lady. I was upset more than I thought I would ever be when I realised he was getting engaged without me even knowing that. We clicked immediately even though we had not spent much time together in our lives. I treasure our times together watching animation movies and his crappy easy listening cds. (There was nothing 'easy' about easy listening). I am so glad to have him in my life.
To all the brothers I have written about and not written about I want to say that our relationship is a special one. I want to thank you for everything that you have added to my life. I love you and you bring so much beauty and depth in my life. I treasure your love, care and protection. And now that you know how precious your love is to me, you better make sure it stays forever. Yes it is a serious threat.
Love ya Bros
I think my first close friend was a brother. I was in school and we kind of grew up together. He made me realise I needed to be more open to people, include them in my life. He taught me how to play Mortal Combat on the computer which my dad banned me from playing. But I still did play it secretly! My first friend my first brother. I found it tough to let him go when times changed and I changed. But his love always stayed with me and I still love him very much. The hours we spent playing games in each others houses and sharing each others lives are things I will always cherish.
The next brother in my life taught me to love. We were the same age. But it took just 4 days for us to realise how close we were to each other. 4 days and 16 years of knowing him. Beautiful times. His short trips to meet us on holidays were all I got. But 4 days were enough for me to see how beautiful and loving he was. His loving and caring nature showed me what love is. Letting him go was the toughest thing I had to do. But keeping him in my heart was the easiest. I miss him terribly when I think of what could have been.
I am not done yet...still got more brothers. This one was the one who gave me all the love and support when I needed it the most. He will complain that he is not my 'blood-brother' and wishes he was. But all I can say to him is that we are closer than many 'real' siblings so quit complaining. As you can see I like to scold this brother of mine. He irritates me like crazy and will also laugh his wonderful laugh when he reads this. I love him even though he is so stubborn. I love him for all he has given to me and for all the quiet times we have shared together. I am always there for him.
Last but not the least is my other amazing brother who I was fortunate enough to spend sometime with before I left home. He is engaged now to a beautiful lady. I was upset more than I thought I would ever be when I realised he was getting engaged without me even knowing that. We clicked immediately even though we had not spent much time together in our lives. I treasure our times together watching animation movies and his crappy easy listening cds. (There was nothing 'easy' about easy listening). I am so glad to have him in my life.
To all the brothers I have written about and not written about I want to say that our relationship is a special one. I want to thank you for everything that you have added to my life. I love you and you bring so much beauty and depth in my life. I treasure your love, care and protection. And now that you know how precious your love is to me, you better make sure it stays forever. Yes it is a serious threat.
Love ya Bros
04 March, 2009
I Was A man
Yesterday I felt that I was a man. I don't mean just gender but also physically.
My whole life played out in front of me...but this time I was male.
I saw myself, my body, a boy, a man.
my voice, my looks, my height...
I saw all my relationships unfolding before me. My parents, sisters, friends, prospective girlfriends...
My life experiences unfolding before me
Only this time I was male
Things may not have been very different from as they are now.
But I would have been different.
It made me realise I was lucky to be a woman.
But in a confusing way. I am happy that I am a woman.
Confusing because had I been a man with my character I would have been harder, colder, unreachable, unloving.
Being a woman put pressure on me to be softer, sweeter, loving, caring.
I am now what I am...less cold, more loving, more caring.
But because of the pressure of gender roles. That is not very nice to know.
I have never thought about myself as male or female before. Never looked at the world through male or female before. I am tempted now to say I am lucky to be a woman. But I will not.
I am both female and male. I am neither female nor male.
My whole life played out in front of me...but this time I was male.
I saw myself, my body, a boy, a man.
my voice, my looks, my height...
I saw all my relationships unfolding before me. My parents, sisters, friends, prospective girlfriends...
My life experiences unfolding before me
Only this time I was male
Things may not have been very different from as they are now.
But I would have been different.
It made me realise I was lucky to be a woman.
But in a confusing way. I am happy that I am a woman.
Confusing because had I been a man with my character I would have been harder, colder, unreachable, unloving.
Being a woman put pressure on me to be softer, sweeter, loving, caring.
I am now what I am...less cold, more loving, more caring.
But because of the pressure of gender roles. That is not very nice to know.
I have never thought about myself as male or female before. Never looked at the world through male or female before. I am tempted now to say I am lucky to be a woman. But I will not.
I am both female and male. I am neither female nor male.
22 February, 2009
One by One...
One by one my leaves fall
The winter is now coming
Once, I used to stand tall
Now I feel like I am crumbling
Why do I feel so you ask?
Why do I look forlorn?
I feel like I am wearing a mask
One that cannot be torn
Grudgingly I am bent sideways
The unrelenting wind pushes
My bark so strong yet too weak
Against the winds that beat
I am pushed down into the ground
My head pushed into the ground
My feet still firmly planted
This is not me! Uncomfortable...
I tried so hard not to become like this
I am ashamed of myself even more
I cannot tear the mask off my face
I don't know what to do anymore
Look how harsh the wind blows now
My poor friends are uprooted
The wind spares no one...but me
It shaped me thus so it would never kill me
Now I know why I had to change
I know now for my bark is strong
I was shaped thus to bear the wind
Till one by one my leaves fall
The winter is now coming
Once, I used to stand tall
Now I feel like I am crumbling
Why do I feel so you ask?
Why do I look forlorn?
I feel like I am wearing a mask
One that cannot be torn
Grudgingly I am bent sideways
The unrelenting wind pushes
My bark so strong yet too weak
Against the winds that beat
I am pushed down into the ground
My head pushed into the ground
My feet still firmly planted
This is not me! Uncomfortable...
I tried so hard not to become like this
I am ashamed of myself even more
I cannot tear the mask off my face
I don't know what to do anymore
Look how harsh the wind blows now
My poor friends are uprooted
The wind spares no one...but me
It shaped me thus so it would never kill me
Now I know why I had to change
I know now for my bark is strong
I was shaped thus to bear the wind
Till one by one my leaves fall
22 January, 2009
Split Personality
My head has split into two
One is me and the other is me too
Is it me? Is it a disease?
Is it who I am? Is it who I want to be?
I am who I am now
Yet I can feel the throbbing in my heart
It is another beat
Another me another path
I look at who I am and I see
Dissatisfaction with what I cannot help but be
I look inside and again I find
Another me that could have been at another place at this time
One day I decide to be like that other
Who I believe is really true
And find that everyone loves her better
Makes me feel like I was wearing the wrong shoe
People who know me cannot help but see
The old even though it is the new me
It makes me ask why am I so?
Is it better or must I not let go?
Am I split into half or is it all mine
Am I the shallow one or am I the kind?
What does this world personality disorder mean?
Is just psychology working its mind?
I can feel fate's hands working here
It has shaped who I am and will become
But it leaves also a picture with me
of some one who I must strive to be
I don't need to look without
All I need to do is look within
When change beckons me
I must follow the other me
One is me and the other is me too
Is it me? Is it a disease?
Is it who I am? Is it who I want to be?
I am who I am now
Yet I can feel the throbbing in my heart
It is another beat
Another me another path
I look at who I am and I see
Dissatisfaction with what I cannot help but be
I look inside and again I find
Another me that could have been at another place at this time
One day I decide to be like that other
Who I believe is really true
And find that everyone loves her better
Makes me feel like I was wearing the wrong shoe
People who know me cannot help but see
The old even though it is the new me
It makes me ask why am I so?
Is it better or must I not let go?
Am I split into half or is it all mine
Am I the shallow one or am I the kind?
What does this world personality disorder mean?
Is just psychology working its mind?
I can feel fate's hands working here
It has shaped who I am and will become
But it leaves also a picture with me
of some one who I must strive to be
I don't need to look without
All I need to do is look within
When change beckons me
I must follow the other me
03 November, 2008
The day time stopped...
The Super Computer had predicted that at eleven hundred hours time would stop. The villagers were all in a frenzy trying hard to get into the best mood they could so that they wouldn't be stuck in a bad mood for eternity.
Tom the trench digger decided to hit the bar at 6.00am in the morning so that by the time it was eleven hundred hours he would be a happy drunk man forever.
Sela thought that the only way she knew how to be was to be depressed. She didn't know how else to be. It was her 'comfort zone' she always said. She looked at herself in the mirror and realised how impossible it was going to be to become a happy person before eleven hundred hours, because she didn't know how else to be. So she sat down on the road, waiting.
The busyness man walking down the street looked at her and kept walking. He yelled at anyone who cared to listen, 'Its all bullshit you know. Time never stops you know. The market will keep going up and up and I will be buried in money the day I die!'.
The grandma who heard him thought to herself, 'Oh you fool, you will never die.... how long must I wait my lord?' After thinking that she started walking towards the church at 10.37am to pray because it would take her 23 minutes to walk to the church.
The priest at the church knew she would come. He stood before the statue and bowed his head in solemn prayer, 'Finally I will be devoted to you for all eternity'.
As the young man drove past the street across the church he felt so happy. He wasn't thinking about the church. He wanted nothing more than to reach his girlfriend's house and put his penis into her vagina. Just as he would be ejaculating inside her, his orgasm at its peak, the moment would freeze forever. 'Ah bliss' he thought. He had it all planned in his mind.
The academicians were finding it hard to concentrate with all the noise on the streets of the cars rushing by. They were pouring over theirs books, talking, debating and discussing with each other what the consequences would be if time stopped? They couldn't agree on any one thing. Will there be no more change? Will everything stop moving? Will there be no more progress? What about nature? What about man? What was the wise man thinking?
I was thinking the same thing. What was the wise man thinking? As I stood on top of the small hill overlooking the village, I felt confused... If time stopped did it mean that I would be stuck in this moment forever? Would I have nothing to look forward to? Will I be haunted for eternity by my past? Will I be able to think? I am usually a happy person I thought to myself, but look at me now, I am confused! I started panicking. I felt worried I would be trapped inside my thoughts as the clock struck eleven hundred hours. I looked at my watch and saw 10 seconds to eleven hundred hours...
9
8
7
6
I was still confused and anxious about the unknown
5
4
3
Thoughts running ceaselessly through my mind, sweat pouring down my face...
2
1
A sudden wind that lifts the hair off my shoulders, my eyes close in contentment.....no thoughts....just peace.....
Time stops.
Tom the trench digger decided to hit the bar at 6.00am in the morning so that by the time it was eleven hundred hours he would be a happy drunk man forever.
Sela thought that the only way she knew how to be was to be depressed. She didn't know how else to be. It was her 'comfort zone' she always said. She looked at herself in the mirror and realised how impossible it was going to be to become a happy person before eleven hundred hours, because she didn't know how else to be. So she sat down on the road, waiting.
The busyness man walking down the street looked at her and kept walking. He yelled at anyone who cared to listen, 'Its all bullshit you know. Time never stops you know. The market will keep going up and up and I will be buried in money the day I die!'.
The grandma who heard him thought to herself, 'Oh you fool, you will never die.... how long must I wait my lord?' After thinking that she started walking towards the church at 10.37am to pray because it would take her 23 minutes to walk to the church.
The priest at the church knew she would come. He stood before the statue and bowed his head in solemn prayer, 'Finally I will be devoted to you for all eternity'.
As the young man drove past the street across the church he felt so happy. He wasn't thinking about the church. He wanted nothing more than to reach his girlfriend's house and put his penis into her vagina. Just as he would be ejaculating inside her, his orgasm at its peak, the moment would freeze forever. 'Ah bliss' he thought. He had it all planned in his mind.
The academicians were finding it hard to concentrate with all the noise on the streets of the cars rushing by. They were pouring over theirs books, talking, debating and discussing with each other what the consequences would be if time stopped? They couldn't agree on any one thing. Will there be no more change? Will everything stop moving? Will there be no more progress? What about nature? What about man? What was the wise man thinking?
I was thinking the same thing. What was the wise man thinking? As I stood on top of the small hill overlooking the village, I felt confused... If time stopped did it mean that I would be stuck in this moment forever? Would I have nothing to look forward to? Will I be haunted for eternity by my past? Will I be able to think? I am usually a happy person I thought to myself, but look at me now, I am confused! I started panicking. I felt worried I would be trapped inside my thoughts as the clock struck eleven hundred hours. I looked at my watch and saw 10 seconds to eleven hundred hours...
9
8
7
6
I was still confused and anxious about the unknown
5
4
3
Thoughts running ceaselessly through my mind, sweat pouring down my face...
2
1
A sudden wind that lifts the hair off my shoulders, my eyes close in contentment.....no thoughts....just peace.....
Time stops.
22 October, 2008
Baltimore....it does not mean more buckets
I went to Baltimore
It was no eye sore
But more than anything
i met my sister ming ming (whatever that is)
what was the best thing there you ask?
it was the man with the blue mask!
nah i'm just kidding my dear
but i will tell you the truth, dont fear.
to the aquarium we went
thank god we didnt faint
sharks and sting rays we saw
varsha thought they would eat her raw (thats how they like their food mostly)
a dolphin show put the colour back in our cheeks
oh such cute and intelligent tricks!
it was like nothing i had seen before
it made me clap my hands and my heart soar
lots of shopping was on the agenda (man agenda is going to be a tough word to rhyme)
round and round the stores we wenta (a slight tamil accent...(no offence to tamilians or their lovers)
the most expensive things i bought
cause varsha was paying so, why not!
but the best part about the trip
was being with my sweetest sis
how lovely it is to be with family
thanks god for blessing me!
It was no eye sore
But more than anything
i met my sister ming ming (whatever that is)
what was the best thing there you ask?
it was the man with the blue mask!
nah i'm just kidding my dear
but i will tell you the truth, dont fear.
to the aquarium we went
thank god we didnt faint
sharks and sting rays we saw
varsha thought they would eat her raw (thats how they like their food mostly)
a dolphin show put the colour back in our cheeks
oh such cute and intelligent tricks!
it was like nothing i had seen before
it made me clap my hands and my heart soar
lots of shopping was on the agenda (man agenda is going to be a tough word to rhyme)
round and round the stores we wenta (a slight tamil accent...(no offence to tamilians or their lovers)
the most expensive things i bought
cause varsha was paying so, why not!
but the best part about the trip
was being with my sweetest sis
how lovely it is to be with family
thanks god for blessing me!
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